"If you can't sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there worrying."

It's 11:30 at night. And I am sipping on a cup of coffee. I should be going to bed, instead of searching the internet. I just can't sleep.

I'm worried. Actually, that's a bit of an understatement. I am out of my mind with worry. I feel like I am drowning in a sea of stress, frantically searching for some distant island of hope- and feeling like I am going to go under at any moment. How's that for being melodramatic?

And I realize that most people do not want to read about another person's problems. It's depressing. It's no fun. But if you can't rant and rave on a personal blog- where can you? So here goes.

Lately, I've started to feel a little more in control with The Boy and his school. He's been doing exceptionally well with our little "homeschooling" In the past month, he's gone from being able to only identify the letters in his name and count to 5- to being able to identify and write the entire alphabet, and count to 15. He's begun to grasp that letters form words and has learned to write a few words on his own. His name, his sisters, Mommy, Daddy, Nana, Papa, Pop (his grandparents) as well as Spiderman. :-) He's gained an understanding of basic math concepts. Simple addition and subtraction, and even a little knowledge of fractions.

So here I am, thinking everything is going to be ok. And thinking school is settled. After all, we've registered him. I've received 4 letters from school H. welcoming him to the 2008-2009 school year, telling us which track he is on, who his teacher will be and when orientation is.

And then yesterday I get a letter from school T. Telling me that he is scheduled to go there and I need to hurry up and get him registered. I'm a bit confused so I call both school T and school H. And both schools have him listed as a student. I call the school district and the board of special education. And no one has any answers. No one can explain to me why he is supposedly scheduled to attend two seperate schools.

Two days on the phone and I finally get the beginnings of an answer.

Back in July we did The Boy's IEP evaluation and eligibility meeting at school H. And I was told that, while he is behind- he would benefit from a mainstreamed education and would attend school at school H. They said the IEP wasn't finalized yet, but would be soon and I would be contacted. So I waited. I never heard anything else about the IEP- but the letters from school H began to arrive so I assumed it was settled.

Apprently though, school H sent the eligibility to the depertment in charge of special education- and they determined that The Boy's needs could not be met in a mainstream school- and instead of decided that the best course is school T. Which is set up just for special needs kindergarten students.

But no one told me. Not one letter. Not one phone call. Just a letter in the mail yesterday telling me I am eligible for transportation services and reminding me to turn in the registration asap. Nevermind that I had NO IDEA that this was his new school. And I've never talked to anyone from this school.

I made some very angry phone calls to school T yesterday, after school H assured me it was a mistake. I even told them to take him off their student list. And now I have to straighten that out on Monday and hope it's not too late to get his spot back. Because school H called me back today and said "oops, our mistake- he IS supposed to go to school T"

So now, here I am . Nearly midnight and I am drinking coffee and searching the internet. Because this changes everything. Literally- everything.

An IEP that says my son has to go to a special needs school changes all our plans for moving home. He is now no longer eligible for the public school system, because they public schools are not set up to meet those needs.

This changes plans for where we are going to live. Because we now have to find a way to budget for private school tuition. Which means all the houses we were looking at in nice, safe neighborhoods are out the window. We now have to start searching for houses in lower-income parts of town. That, or beg our parents for money to cover tuition.

This changes plans for where we are going to work. That Guy had some tentative plans for cross training. But now he is looking at going to a 29 week tech school in Texas (we're moving to MS) because it will provide him better financial opportunities on the outside. And I hate that it's coming down to that. Either scrape by and rely on handouts from family- or split up our family for 7 months. I don't know how the kids are going to handle not seeing their dad for so long. I don't know how our relationship, which is already struggling, is going to survive a seperation that long. But I don't know how we can do anything else.

I just don't know about anything anymore. I don't see how these decisions can be made without consulting me. How they can just decide that my son isn't going to thrive in school and assign him to a special needs school without informing me at all.

Does anyone have a magic wand? Please? I need one. That, or a giant magic 8 ball with the answers to all of lifes questions.

I guess I have to settle with another cup of coffee though.