"To find out what one is fitted to do, and to secure an opportunity to do it, is the key to happiness."

What do you want to be when you grow up?

I have no idea how many times I was asked that question as a child or a teen. I always had an answer then. But now, I'm 24 (almost 25), technically a grown-up, and I have no idea what I want to "be".

I've been debating with myself for awhile now about continuing my paralegal studies. I had decided to wait until after I moved to make my final decision. I knew that online school was not working for me- I need a lot more structure. So I was going to go to the local community colleges and see if my online credits would transfer. If they did- I would transfer them and continue on with paralegal work. If not- I would have a decision to make about what to do then.

Today I got a letter in the mail informing me that I have 30 days to complete my semester or be removed from the program. At first I was pretty upset, but right now I am thinking it was a blessing in disguise. J and I talked about it, and I made the decision to just quit the program.

I've wrestled with guilt over this possibility for awhile. After all, but quitting, I am wasting the money I spent on 2 semesters. But after talking with J I realized that it was better to waste that money, than to waste years of my life pursuing a degree (and later a career) that would not make me happy.

So now I am back to asking myself what I want to "be". The possibilities are endless, and the thought of that is daunting. It's very scary to have no idea what you want to do with your life. I really have no idea what I am "fitted to do".

I know that I could easily go back to childcare. Finding a job wouldn't be an issue- since all my work experience up until now has been in childcare. Pursuing a degree in early childhood development is certainly an option. And I'm good at it. I know that sounds a little vain, but I really am. I've always had a knack for it, and I've always enjoyed working with children.

What I hate is the adult side of child-care. I don't like dealing with unreasonable parents- like the ones who complain that their child who is just learning to walk falls down, or the ones who demand that you change the rules of the program to fit their own personal wishes. I hated working at the base daycare too, because of the policies there. And I know that there is no guarantee that I will have a similar experience somewhere else, but there is also no guarantee that I won't- and I don't know if I am willing to risk that.

I hated having my schedules changed on a whim, having my training time canceled and still being expected to complete it. When I was in the 2 year old classroom- the room lead went on leave for 2 months and, when she was returned, was assigned to a new class. It was a new classroom and, during that time I was expected to help 14 children transition into a new class, keep up all the records, and be the "acting" room lead. But when I applied for the position of "official" room lead I was told I was not qualified to do it. Never mind that I was already doing all the tasks that would be expected. I hated being told that I could not leave work when my daughter was running a fever, that I instead had to stay and cover a break for another caregiver. That was the day F had her first seizure. In the time I was not allowed to leave, her fever spiked from 100* to 104*- and by the time I got her to the ER motrin wasn't enough to cut it- she started seizing in the waiting room.

Ok, so I ended up going off on a bit of a tangent there- but I guess that makes my point. The problem is, as much as I hated certain aspects of the job- it's the only thing I am qualified to do at this point.

I still have time, I suppose, and I will eventually make a decision. Hopefully I'll find something and be able to love it.