"What has a man's face to do with his character?"

I've been thinking about beauty, appearances, self-esteem and self-acceptance a lot lately. Partly because I personally struggle with the last two, and partly because I wonder what kind of message I am sending to my children (The Girl in particular).

I don't remember ever being happy with my appearance. My parents told me frequently that I was beautiful. I never believed them. They told me I was perfect the way I was. I didn't believe that either.

I did believe my older brother though, when he would tell me I was ugly. I believed my paternal grandmother too, when she would tell me that I needed to go on a diet, and wear clothes to "hide your extra weight". I believed peers and classmates who told me that I was fat and unattractive. I never had any problem believing those negative messages.

The first comment about my weight that I remember came when I was in 5th grade. 10 years old, and I was worried that I was too fat. It continued on through high school and, let's face, throughout my adulthood so far.

My struggles with self esteem made me feel like I should be grateful that any guy would pay attention to me. It caused me to put up with things in early relationships that I should never have tolerated. It caused me to put up with things in my marriage that I should never have tolerated.

I've spent the last 2 years trying to get healthier, and to gain some long needed confidence. I've focused on my weight- but also made an effort to live a healthier life overall. I've been conscience to never make disparaging comments about my weight or appearance in front of the children- because I don't want them hearing that. I don't want my kids to think that weight or looks are too important.

Today I had the following exchange with The Girl...

• Me: You're so beautiful
• The Girl: Nope, I'm so me!

I am thrilled and a little saddened by this. I am beyond thrilled that The Girl doesn't think of herself as a pretty girl- she thinks of herself as The Girl. Her appearance doesn't seem to register to her as being worth taking note of- her blond hair, her blue eyes, her freckles- they are all just aspects of HER, and nothing more.

I'm sad though, because I wonder if I am doing her a service, or disservice, by commenting on her appearance at all. Wouldn't a good mother say "you're so sweet", "you're so funny", or "you're so smart" instead of "you're so beautiful" ?

Does commenting on her appearance help her? Will telling her every day that she is a beautiful child instill in her some of the confidence that I was (am) lacking? Or does it hurt her? Does it teach her that beauty is something important, that appearances matter? I'm really not sure.

Being a mother to a little girl is much harder than I ever anticipated!