And here I am again

I'm not very good at updating blogs. It comes and goes in waves, I suppose. I decided to check in on my blog today, and was pleasantly surprised to see what the quote of the day was for today: "Faith is the force of life." Leo Tolstoy.

Seems appropriate for me at the moment, since faith (and lack of it) has been on my mind a lot lately. I've posted about religion in the past- and thought I'd mention it again. Moving back home has been a challenge for me in this area. I am not a very religious person, although I would consider myself to be spiritual to a certain extent. But religion is just not very high on my priorities list.

This has become a problem for me, and for J as well. We were both raised Catholic, and both our families are very active in their churches. Neither J nor I are sure if we really want to be Catholic, or if it's what we want for our children. For the most part- we would be happy to just not go to church at all. However, living at home with J's family kind of rules that out. His parents make a point to remind us about Mass on Sunday mornings, and signed our children up for Sunday School. Since we are living in their home, we feel guilty if we "skip" either of these things.

It's hard to pass a faith and belief onto our children when we don't feel strongly about it. And I am not sure what to do about it. I'm really torn about it. Will our children be missing out if we don't give them the structure of religion? How do we approach this topic with both sets of parents- letting them know that we don't share their beliefs? Can we really send our kids to Sunday School and (when the time comes) the sacraments, if we are not practicing ourselves? S and F love Sunday School, and I don't want to take that from them, but how can I make myself embrace it along with them?

Of course, I also have to figure out what it is exactly that I DO believe, and that's harder than I ever thought it would be. In my daily life, I have replaced praying with meditation- which is used quite a bit in various Eastern religions. I don't feel comfortable claiming any of them though. I also don't really feel comfortable claiming any of the Christian religions, though. I'm not atheist, though, so it's hard to just be nothing.

Faith, of course, is about more than religion, I know. And, honestly, at this point, I'm pretty much lacking faith altogether.

I didn't expect us to be where we are now. I thought that, by the time 2009 rolled around, J and I would both be working full time, we would be in our own home, and we would be settling in to life here in MS. I'm starting to lose faith in our plans. I am starting to lose faith in myself. I work 2-3 days a week (on a good week) and am barely making enough money to cover grocery shopping at this point. I never thought I would doubt our ability to "make it", but right now I am feeling so overwhelmed, and there doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Being without faith is reminding me how comforting having faith was. And I guess what I need to do now is go searching for mine. I wonder where I left it?