"A hobby is only fun if you do not have time to do it."

I have decided that I need a hobby. Ok, not quite- I suppose I do have a lot of them. My obsession with names could be considered a hobby. Running and other exercise could be a hobby too. Taking pictures is definately a hobby. And occasionally I get the motivation to work on my kids scrapbooks. So really, there are things that I enjoy doing and make time for.

So why do I think I need something else? Because my kids apparently think I am very boring.

Last night the kids were drawing pictures. The Boy drew several. One of That Guy's guitar. One of That Guy's video game machines. One of That Guy sitting in his chair and reading.

The Girl drew several pictures too. All of them of the kitchen. "Look Mommy, I drew your kitchen." Sigh.

The kids look at That Guy and see all the fun things he has time to do. They look at me and see me cooking dinner. Too bad I don't enjoy cooking enough to make that a hobby!

Birthdays are natures way of telling us to eat more cake"

This better be the best birthday cake that The Boy has ever had- because it was quite an ordeal to get the damn thing!

I decided that order a cake from Walmart this year, for two reasons. 1) I really wanted the boy to have a special cake- and I have no talent for decorating. 2) I thought it would be a lot simpler- one less thing on my to-do list.

So we went to Walmart on Sunday and ordered a cake to be picked up on Saturday. One full week- easy enough. We go on Saturday to pick up his cake and we were told that they didn't have it, and we had to wait until the cake decorator got off her break to talk to her. 20 minutes later, she tells me that they made his cake, and gave it to someone else. Why? Because there were three Sam's this week. Nevermind the fact that the boy's name is NOT Sam!

Several minutes spent arguing with her about how this is not my fault or my problem, it's their fault and their problem and she agrees to make another cake. Which she then decided to charge me full price for.

Several more minutes waiting for a manager so we can explain the situation to him, and the cake is discounted 50% (so it's now $8) and we are given a $10 gift card. So basically, a free cake and $2!

Other than the Ninja Turtle Cake Fiasco of 2008- The Boy had a fantastic 5th birthday! And I am completely beside myself trying to figure out how on earth my baby turned into a 5 year old. When did this happen?!

The 5th year is turning into quite an active one for the boy, and I am pretty excited about that! For starters- The Boy got a new bike- which he is absolutely thrilled about! He's been riding it every day since Saturday. I'm happy about this too, since it means I only have to put one child in the trailer for my bike- so less work for me!

There is also a Kids Karate place opening up about half a mile from our house, and That Guy and I decided to sign The Boy up for karate classes. He's pretty excited about it, and I think it will be a good experience for him. It will teach him a little discpline, how to listen, and give him a chance to play with other children. And burning off some of the excess 5 year old energy is a nice bonus!

Plus- we are now living in an area where there is actually sunshine in spring! After four years in England- I'm kind of amazed! We've been taking advantage of this great weather to do a lot of outdoor things- like rock climbing and hiking. We're planning a camping trip soon too.

I'm really excited about all of this. I love seeing the new things that The Boy is interested in and can do- and I'm really thrilled that so many of his interests are active, healthy things. Maybe I'm a good influence after all!

"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."

Yesterday was just one of those days. Or, last night was. And even though the stress from things going on with That Guy and I contributed it, really it was not his fault.

The Girl is still potty training. And while I was cooking dinner, she decided that it would be a grand idea to poop on the floor. So I leave the kitchen to go clean the floor. While I am doing this, The Boy informs me that The Dog has peed in his room. Since I needed to let the carpet cleaner set, I left that to go clean his room.

While I was in his room cleaning, The Girl decided to try and drink the carpet cleaner! I have no idea how much she got in her, but I freaked out! I called the ER, and they gave me the number for Poison Control. I got an recorded message from poison control (what the hell???) and a different number to call. So I call this other number and it's an adult sex line (again, what the hell?!?!?!)

So That Guy comes upstairs to help me get The Girl into the tub and starts looking for information online on what to do- when the smoke detector goes off. Yep, dinner is burning. At this point I pretty much had a complete and total breakdown.

After everything has calmed down, dinner has been salvaged as much as possible, The Girl has had as much water to drink as we could force into her to flush it out of her system, and the kids are fed and put to bed- I went outside for a cigarette.

That Guy comes out to join me and askes "what's wrong?" at which point I lost it again. I told him I couldn't handle my classes (contracts are boring!), I couldn't handle the kids making a mess every time I turn around, I couldn't handle The Girl's potty training accidents, I feel isolated and alone with no car, no job, no friends in the area, and all the stress of our problems.

So That Guy and I sat down and talked for a little bit. He did tell me some things, which was a step in the right direction at least. He wasn't 100% honest though (and I knew he was lying still) I wanted to just scream at him "You're lying! I have proof!" but knew that it might ruin our tentative bit of progress. So, instead, I said nothing. No accusations- just... nothing.

I keep trying to give him opportunities to discuss this with me, to show me he wants things to work by being honest. He gaves me small crumbs of honesty- tells me the truth about the things he knows I already know about. But the things he thinks he has successfully hidden from me he tries to keep a secret.

I know it's a good thing that he is at least willing to talk a little bit. I just wish we could lay it all out in the open and begin to find a way to work through this. But I don't want to be the one who forces the truth to come out. I want him to realize that now is the time when he needs to be honest and make that move. I want him to want to be honest with me.

So, I will continue to try and provide opportunities for open and direct communication. And I will continue to wait for him to make the effort to be honest. Until then, I will continue to say nothing.

"To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are."

I know that what That Guy has done is not my fault. I know better than to blame myself, that his actions are his alone. I tell myself this. Others tell me this. It doesn't seem to help.

I find myself wishing almost daily that I was someone else. That I was someone better. More deserving.

I turn a critical eye inward, trying to discover the faults that have made That Guy feel like I deserve this treatment. What is wrong with me that he feels I do not deserve better? Surely there is something wrong with me. And, in a twisted way- I sometimes wish that this was my fault. If there was something I had done wrong, I could fix it. I could make all of this better if I could just change who I am.

The problem is, I have changed. Repeatedly. I've tried time and time again to become who I think That Guy wants me to be. To be the type of person he says he wants. I feel like I haven't tried hard enough. Because no matter what I do, it's never enough.

I find myself wondering throughout the day, am I not attractive enough? Has having children "ruined" me? Am I not adventurous enough? Should I be open to more things? Should I stop putting my foot down on things that I absolutely do not want to do? Would it help if I just ignored the things that bother me? Are my expectations too high?

In my mind, I know the answer to these questions is "no". But my heart still aches thinking about them. And I still wish there was something I could do- some action or word that would make That Guy magically appreciate me more, respect me more, love me more. And it kills me that there is nothing to do.

That Guy has to want to change. And I have a sinking feeling that he will never want to. I might be wasting who I am and my entire life just waiting for him to come around.

"Betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope."

I have a feeling my blog is going to turn into one bitter rant after another for a while. I wish I could think of better things to blog about, but right now I need this as a place to grapple with my emotions. It's either this, or explode and destroy the tentative truce in our home right now.

I have never been so hurt as I am right now. Even during the lowest points in my life, when I thought daily about ending my life, cut myself with razor blades and burned my skin with ciagarettes, I never was this distressed. My problems before were all internal, but to have someone outside of myself twisting the knife makes it sting that much more.

I haven't been able to eat these past few days, and it's hard to sleep. I've actually been crying myself to sleep each night, although That Guy doesn't seem to be affected in the same way. Since our blow up on Sunday, he has gone about business as usual, acting like there is nothing out of the ordinary, as if life can just go back to how it was before. I'm sure that's my fault.

In the past I've always forgiven him. When faced with his shortcomings as a husband, his faults, his mistakes, I've always redoubled my efforts to change ME. I've tried time and time again to be someone better, someone he can love. Someone that can keep him happy. I've compromised, I've overlooked things, I've made every effort to be who he wants me to be. There's nothing left. Each concession I've made has just resulted in him wanting more. My pride and self-respect slipped out of my grasp a long time ago.

I've been waivering between being angry at him, feeling sorry for myself, and blaming myself for the past few days. Logically, I know that I haven't done anything wrong. But emotionally I can't understand why I am not good enough, what I've done wrong that makes him act the way he does. I've begun to hate the woman I see in the mirror. She's weak. She's pathetic. She's lacking.

I actually began researching divorce laws in our area yesterday. Of course, I want to try counseling first, but if That Guy doesn't want to change, no amount of counseling is going to make him. I never imagined that I would want a divorce, but I cannot imagine staying in a marriage that makes me so miserable. Somewhere, deep inside, there is a part of me that deserves better.

I want to hold out hope that things can get better. Hope seems to be dangling right outside my grasp right now.

"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."

That Guy and I have hit a bit of a rough patch. I would love to be able to say I am shocked, that I never imagined anything could come along and disrupt our happy little union. That would be a lie of course, and one thing I cannot abide is lying. Even lying to myself.

At this point, I'm kind of at a loss for what to do. It's not a new problem, it's a very old one that we've been struggling with for 5 1/2 years now. Each time it comes up we fight. I yell at him, he yells at me, he gets angry because I am upset, I get angry because he doesn't understand why I'm upset, more yelling, some crying, and a promise to work harder.

Frankly, I'm sick of it. That Guy doesn't understand why I am drawing lines in the sand right now- he feels that this sort of thing "always works out" But it doesn't. We always fight, he always says he sees how I feel and promises to work on things, and inevitably I discover that he's still lying to me. That doesn't fix anything.

So my imaginary lines have been drawn. In the past I have asked for counseling. Now I have told him that we will go to counseling. Not "will you go" but "you will go" Because it's time to try something different.

Now I'm kind of nervous about the whole thing. I don't know what to expect, I don't know what the counselor will say. I don't know if That Guy will blame me for everything, and resent me for insisting on this. But I've got to try. I might not be able to control the journey, but hopefully I can change the course.