"To find out what one is fitted to do, and to secure an opportunity to do it, is the key to happiness."

What do you want to be when you grow up?

I have no idea how many times I was asked that question as a child or a teen. I always had an answer then. But now, I'm 24 (almost 25), technically a grown-up, and I have no idea what I want to "be".

I've been debating with myself for awhile now about continuing my paralegal studies. I had decided to wait until after I moved to make my final decision. I knew that online school was not working for me- I need a lot more structure. So I was going to go to the local community colleges and see if my online credits would transfer. If they did- I would transfer them and continue on with paralegal work. If not- I would have a decision to make about what to do then.

Today I got a letter in the mail informing me that I have 30 days to complete my semester or be removed from the program. At first I was pretty upset, but right now I am thinking it was a blessing in disguise. J and I talked about it, and I made the decision to just quit the program.

I've wrestled with guilt over this possibility for awhile. After all, but quitting, I am wasting the money I spent on 2 semesters. But after talking with J I realized that it was better to waste that money, than to waste years of my life pursuing a degree (and later a career) that would not make me happy.

So now I am back to asking myself what I want to "be". The possibilities are endless, and the thought of that is daunting. It's very scary to have no idea what you want to do with your life. I really have no idea what I am "fitted to do".

I know that I could easily go back to childcare. Finding a job wouldn't be an issue- since all my work experience up until now has been in childcare. Pursuing a degree in early childhood development is certainly an option. And I'm good at it. I know that sounds a little vain, but I really am. I've always had a knack for it, and I've always enjoyed working with children.

What I hate is the adult side of child-care. I don't like dealing with unreasonable parents- like the ones who complain that their child who is just learning to walk falls down, or the ones who demand that you change the rules of the program to fit their own personal wishes. I hated working at the base daycare too, because of the policies there. And I know that there is no guarantee that I will have a similar experience somewhere else, but there is also no guarantee that I won't- and I don't know if I am willing to risk that.

I hated having my schedules changed on a whim, having my training time canceled and still being expected to complete it. When I was in the 2 year old classroom- the room lead went on leave for 2 months and, when she was returned, was assigned to a new class. It was a new classroom and, during that time I was expected to help 14 children transition into a new class, keep up all the records, and be the "acting" room lead. But when I applied for the position of "official" room lead I was told I was not qualified to do it. Never mind that I was already doing all the tasks that would be expected. I hated being told that I could not leave work when my daughter was running a fever, that I instead had to stay and cover a break for another caregiver. That was the day F had her first seizure. In the time I was not allowed to leave, her fever spiked from 100* to 104*- and by the time I got her to the ER motrin wasn't enough to cut it- she started seizing in the waiting room.

Ok, so I ended up going off on a bit of a tangent there- but I guess that makes my point. The problem is, as much as I hated certain aspects of the job- it's the only thing I am qualified to do at this point.

I still have time, I suppose, and I will eventually make a decision. Hopefully I'll find something and be able to love it.

"Other things may change us, but we start and end with family"

I was browsing around the new babycenter community yesterday, and decided to check and see what the suggested journal topic was. Thes suggested photo journal topic was "Generations" Seems simple enough. Knowing my fondness for posting pictures, I thought I would take advantage of this topic and post some here.

This first picture is three generations of men in That Guy's family- That Guy, my FIL, and The Boy. We took this picture when we were visiting Scotland with his parents way-back-when (I was pregnant with The Girl during that visit). Most of our visit that year consisted of visiting areas of the country where That Guys ancestors used to live- and the three boys in the family stopping at each location to take a picture of "three generations of Lastname men" My FIL got a huge kick out of that. Three generations of Lastname men walking on the same soil that Lastname men lived for many generations. I have to admit- I thought it was pretty cool too.

This second picture is of The Boy and my Aunt- his Great Aunt, taken while I was still pregnant with The Girl. It was, unfortunantly, the only time she met him- and she has never met The Girl. My mother's family all lives in New Jersey, so even growing up I didn't see much of them. And I saw her family even less after I got married. That didn't stop my aunt from driving to the airport in Delaware to spend some time with The Boy and I while we had a layover on our flight home. She gave up an entire day to pick us up from the hotel, have breakfast with us, take The Boy to a playground so that he could run off some energy, and spend hours trying to kill time at the airport just so we wouldn't be bored.

One of my absolute favorite pictures of The Girl is this one- she is 4 days old and being held by Grandma Lastname, her great-grandmother. Grandma Lastname was 86 years old when this picture was taken, and I am thrilled that she got to see her tiny great granddaughter. She's still with us, but her eyesight is gone now- so she cannot see how much the babies have grown. From everything that That Guy and his family tell me, she was always a fiesty, strong-willed woman, and I see a lot of that in The Girl. If half the stories about Grandma Lastname are true- I would be thrilled if The Girl grew up to be like her.

This picture is the counter-balance of the multitude of pictures of the three Lastname men in Scotland. My family also immigrated from Scotland- my mother's father came over when he was 16. So when we took a trip with my family- we made a point to stop in some places that my own ancestors had lived generations ago. And now I have a picture of three generartions of Maiden-Name women standing in the garden of a castle that was once owned by my ancestors. It's in interesting picture to look at, and the idea really just makes me smile.

Here is my father, "Papa" to the kids- on Father's Day back in 2006. It was the tail end of a visit to England to see us, and he really wanted a picture with his two grandchildren. I love both my parents, but I was always a little closer to my father. So I love this picture- the older generation that taught me and guided me through early life, and the younger generation that I have to figure out how to teach and guide.

I know he was thrilled to be able to take this photo- it's still in his office now. He hadn't seen his grandchildren in over a year at this point- and the last time he had seen The Girl she was just 2 months old. Things certainly changed!! Honestly, that is the only thing I disliked about our time over-seas- spending so much time away from family. I hate that our parents and friends missed out on so much with the kids. They never got to see them gowing up, and I know they have regretted missing out.

Last Christmas That Guy's family decided that we were long-overdue for a multi-generational family portrait. So we got three generations of the Lastname family together and had some portraits made. The Boy and The Girl love to look at this picture. It helps them to try and remember all the people in Daddy's family- they point to each person, say their name, and usually tell us one thing they remember about them too. "This is Nana, she has two dogs" or "This is Papa- he has a funny hat". I know my MIL was very excited about this. She had her three children, two spouses, and five grandchildren all in one place.

This last one is a "just because". Here is the younger generation of the Lastname family. The Girl is sitting on her oldest cousin's ("A") back, The Boy is next to him, and then there are two other cousins- "T" who is just 6 weeks younger than The Girl, and "M", who is three years older than The Boy. Getting all five children to sit still and look at the camera at the same time was an impossible undertaking- so four out of five wasn't too bad!

"What has a man's face to do with his character?"

I've been thinking about beauty, appearances, self-esteem and self-acceptance a lot lately. Partly because I personally struggle with the last two, and partly because I wonder what kind of message I am sending to my children (The Girl in particular).

I don't remember ever being happy with my appearance. My parents told me frequently that I was beautiful. I never believed them. They told me I was perfect the way I was. I didn't believe that either.

I did believe my older brother though, when he would tell me I was ugly. I believed my paternal grandmother too, when she would tell me that I needed to go on a diet, and wear clothes to "hide your extra weight". I believed peers and classmates who told me that I was fat and unattractive. I never had any problem believing those negative messages.

The first comment about my weight that I remember came when I was in 5th grade. 10 years old, and I was worried that I was too fat. It continued on through high school and, let's face, throughout my adulthood so far.

My struggles with self esteem made me feel like I should be grateful that any guy would pay attention to me. It caused me to put up with things in early relationships that I should never have tolerated. It caused me to put up with things in my marriage that I should never have tolerated.

I've spent the last 2 years trying to get healthier, and to gain some long needed confidence. I've focused on my weight- but also made an effort to live a healthier life overall. I've been conscience to never make disparaging comments about my weight or appearance in front of the children- because I don't want them hearing that. I don't want my kids to think that weight or looks are too important.

Today I had the following exchange with The Girl...

• Me: You're so beautiful
• The Girl: Nope, I'm so me!

I am thrilled and a little saddened by this. I am beyond thrilled that The Girl doesn't think of herself as a pretty girl- she thinks of herself as The Girl. Her appearance doesn't seem to register to her as being worth taking note of- her blond hair, her blue eyes, her freckles- they are all just aspects of HER, and nothing more.

I'm sad though, because I wonder if I am doing her a service, or disservice, by commenting on her appearance at all. Wouldn't a good mother say "you're so sweet", "you're so funny", or "you're so smart" instead of "you're so beautiful" ?

Does commenting on her appearance help her? Will telling her every day that she is a beautiful child instill in her some of the confidence that I was (am) lacking? Or does it hurt her? Does it teach her that beauty is something important, that appearances matter? I'm really not sure.

Being a mother to a little girl is much harder than I ever anticipated!

"The hardest people to convince they are at retirement age are children at bedtime."

I never realized how many bedtime traditions we had until I tried to send my kids to bed on their own tonight. Being the brilliant mother that I am, I thought I could kiss them goodnight and send them upstairs while I stayed downstairs working on my resume. After the third trip upstairs I gave up that foolish notion and just went up to stay. Our bedtime routine has become ridiculously long. Sometimes I feel that they spend more time getting ready for bed than for sleeping! It consists of...

1. Showers, first The Girl and then The Boy. Complete with arguments over washing hair and why The Girl should NOT have to let the water touch her head in any way.
2. Picking out pajamas (which is a surprisingly long and complicated task, as each child feels compelled to discuss the merits of each potential item of clothing before settling on what to wear for the night
3. Brushing teeth- all three of us- following by The Girl asking at least half a dozen questions about why we brush our teeth, what will happen if we don't, why is her tooth brush green, why is The Boy's toothbrush orange, etc...
4. Picking a bedtime story-which is generally a 20 minute debate with the kids running from room-to-room. The Girl will select a book from her collection, The Boy vetoes it, so they traipse into his room and The Boy selects a book, which The Girl then vetoes. Back to her room and on-and-on until Mommy announces that if they cannot agree in 5 seconds Mommy is going to read a dictionary to them.
5. Once the book is finally selected, they grab a stuffed animal and blanket, and we cuddle on the couch upstairs and read it. Relatively short books (which should take only 10 minutes to read) can drag out to an hour some nights- as both The Boy and The Girl have to discuss and ask questions about each page.
   
6. Singing Danny Boy to The Boy (with The Boy's name substituted into the song in place of Danny) which started when The Boy was 2 months old.
7. Singing "the too rah song" to The Girl (quite honestly, I am not sure what the name of the song is, or how to spell it) which started when The Girl was still using my ribcage as a punching bag in utero.
8. At least 15 minutes of good night hugs and kisses, tucking in, catching The Girl sneaking out of her room, tucking in again, etc...
   

In some ways, I would love to cut down on our nightly rituals. But, to be perfectly honest, I am no more ready to give it up than they are. Both kids are growing too fast, and I know that soon they aren't going to want so much attention from Mommy- so I might as well enjoy it while I can. Tonight I decided to take a few pictures, and I thought I would share them.

The Girl in her "nightgown". What? Isn't it perfectly normal for a three year old to wear an Eric Draven t-shirt to sleep in?












The Boy in his pajamas. Spiderman boxers that That Guy bought him 3 years ago and are STILL too big (the reason That Guy is no longer allowed to clothes shop for the kids without supervision.) and an old Halloween t-shirt











The Boy with his blanket, toy, and book of choice.










The Girl getting ready to snuggle in for a story with her blanket and a Care Bear that is almost as big as she is.

"My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint."

I had to laugh over the Erma Bombeck quote I found this morning. This is pretty much an accurate summary of my feelings about housework.

The problem is, as a stay at home mom, I feel like I have to be responsible for all the house work. I am not bringing in any money, and that bothers me. So I feel like I have to "pull my weight"- I need to keep up with the yard work, take out the trash, clean the house, do the laundry, cook the meals, manage the finances, and care for the kids. I don't know how this idea got planted in my head. I really don't.

This is not the type of house I was raised in. My parents split the house-hold responsibilities in what I assumed was the "traditional" way. My mother handled the money and the housecleaning- my father took out the trash and did the yard work. As the kids in the house got older and more capable- we were assigned chores to help out in and out of the house. So I certainly never saw my mother shouldering everything- I definately didn't learn it from her.

That Guy has never made me feel this way. He certainly never told me I had to shoulder it all, and when I have talked about the stress I feel staying at home, he has always volunteered to help more, he's told me to take it easier, to learn to ask for help, and to not try and do everything on my own.

For some reason though, I feel like I "owe" That Guy, because I do not work outside of the home. I just wish I could find some way to carry my weight other than housekeeping- because I despise it!!

I spent an hour and a half cleaning my house today. I cleaned dishes, counter, windows, floors, carpets, picked up toys, made beds, scrubbed toilets and washed clothes. I would have vastly preferred hitting my head on the top bunk bed. This is NOT fun. Because- no matter how much cleaning got done today- I am going to have to do it all again tomorrow.

So please, bring on the head banging and fainting. It would be a nice change.

"I believe the future is just the past again, entered through a new gate"

I'm not that great at keeping blogs up to date. In fact, I haven't been doing a great job of keeping anything organized lately. The movers are coming to get our things in just over a month, and I don't feel ready to move at all! Lately I've been spending most of my time working with the kids, taking The Boy to school, and trying to get everything organized for our move. Moving is a huge example of the past repeating itself- at least in this family!

Last year at this time I was preparing for our move from England to the states. We've only been in this house for nine months and we're already planning to move again. I have no idea how many hours I have spent online- trying to map out our route home, planning stops and hotels, searching for houses and jobs back in MS, trying to find out what I need to know to get The Boy registered for school mid-semester, trying to find a daycare or preschool for The Girl to attend... My brain hurts. I thought I would try a little update though.

That Guy and I: That Guy had his 27th birthday in August- I can't believe I didn't post about it at all. Of course, I also forgot to post about our 6th wedding anniversary, so I guess I don't feel too guilty about it! We were able to go out on his birthday weekend (we went to see the new Batman movie and then out to dinner) We didn't go out for our anniversary- but we did have a nice date night at home, and that was just as good, in my opinion.

Other than that, nothing too thrilling going on with us. That Guy is spending this week in briefings to help prepare for his seperation. He has been coming home every day with mountains of paperwork- so hopefully when we comb through it over the weekend we will feel more prepared for this new move.

I haven't been feeling well this last month- but it's an old complaint so nothing new really. I went to the Dr and I'm waiting now for an ultrasound to see if they can pinpoint the problem. In the past I have had issues with painful cysts and also pain from internal scarring (4 abdmoninal surgeries leave behind a lot of scars!) I'm just waiting to go in and find out which one it is this time and see what can be done.

The Boy: The Boy is doing great! Today marks the end of his 4th week of school- which is actually pretty huge since he's only doing 6 weeks here in Vegas! He's doing great, and he loves it. I'm a parent helper in his class room and I have to say- I don't see how he's "behind" at all. Maybe I'm just biased, but it actually seems to me like he is near the top of his class. As a volunteer, my job is to call the kids over for some one-on-one help- things like writing their name, identifying the letters of the alphabet, flashcards matching oppostites and rhyming words, etc... The Boy hasn't been struggling with any of these activities- so I think he's going to be just fine.

Outside of the class room, things with The Boy are also great. He has a best friend at school now, and he and "J" make plans together all the time. He's still a great help at home, and loves to draw. I go through a pad of construction paper each week, and have to buy new crayons and colored pencils twice a month just to keep up with his hobby! When he is not coloring inside, he's running around on the playground outside and making up games. He likes the trees behind our house- he pretends the hanging branches are Spiderman webbing and "swings" from tree to tree! He's also discovered a new PBS show- Sid the Science Kid, and has announced that he's going to be a sceintist when he grows up. I'd love to encourage this with him- although I'm not sure how much help I am going to be when he gets older! Science classes were never my strong suit, but we'll do what we can to encourage his new interest.

The Girl: Things with her are as interesting as ever! She's sweet and devilish all at the same time- I honestly think all three year olds are bi-polar! She is FINALLY potty trained. Nothing we did worked though. She just woke up one morning and announced "I'm going to go potty". And she's been accident free since then. I'm baffled by this, but I know not to look a gift horse in the mouth!

She's loving the one-on-one time she gets when The Boy is in school, and she loves the days that I volunteer and she gets to go to "big school" too. Everything with her is very dramatic- good or bad. If The Puppy looks at her wrong, it's time for tears and wailing as loudly as she can. If it's time to go to the playground- she's shrieking with joy and bouncing off the walls until we open the door to the backyard. She's got more energy than I know what to do with, but I am definately learning to appreciate it and even looking forward to it most days!