The Devil's Dance Floor

And here I am again

2008-12-30T09:49:00.000-08:00

I'm not very good at updating blogs. It comes and goes in waves, I suppose. I decided to check in on my blog today, and was pleasantly surprised to see what the quote of the day was for today: "Faith is the force of life." Leo Tolstoy.

Seems appropriate for me at the moment, since faith (and lack of it) has been on my mind a lot lately. I've posted about religion in the past- and thought I'd mention it again. Moving back home has been a challenge for me in this area. I am not a very religious person, although I would consider myself to be spiritual to a certain extent. But religion is just not very high on my priorities list.

This has become a problem for me, and for J as well. We were both raised Catholic, and both our families are very active in their churches. Neither J nor I are sure if we really want to be Catholic, or if it's what we want for our children. For the most part- we would be happy to just not go to church at all. However, living at home with J's family kind of rules that out. His parents make a point to remind us about Mass on Sunday mornings, and signed our children up for Sunday School. Since we are living in their home, we feel guilty if we "skip" either of these things.

It's hard to pass a faith and belief onto our children when we don't feel strongly about it. And I am not sure what to do about it. I'm really torn about it. Will our children be missing out if we don't give them the structure of religion? How do we approach this topic with both sets of parents- letting them know that we don't share their beliefs? Can we really send our kids to Sunday School and (when the time comes) the sacraments, if we are not practicing ourselves? S and F love Sunday School, and I don't want to take that from them, but how can I make myself embrace it along with them?

Of course, I also have to figure out what it is exactly that I DO believe, and that's harder than I ever thought it would be. In my daily life, I have replaced praying with meditation- which is used quite a bit in various Eastern religions. I don't feel comfortable claiming any of them though. I also don't really feel comfortable claiming any of the Christian religions, though. I'm not atheist, though, so it's hard to just be nothing.

Faith, of course, is about more than religion, I know. And, honestly, at this point, I'm pretty much lacking faith altogether.

I didn't expect us to be where we are now. I thought that, by the time 2009 rolled around, J and I would both be working full time, we would be in our own home, and we would be settling in to life here in MS. I'm starting to lose faith in our plans. I am starting to lose faith in myself. I work 2-3 days a week (on a good week) and am barely making enough money to cover grocery shopping at this point. I never thought I would doubt our ability to "make it", but right now I am feeling so overwhelmed, and there doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Being without faith is reminding me how comforting having faith was. And I guess what I need to do now is go searching for mine. I wonder where I left it?

It's Begining to Look a lot Like Christmas

2008-12-11T08:57:00.000-08:00

I woke up early this morning to get S ready for school. The weather was awful, a mixture of rain and sleet- with the promise of snow later in the day. All morning I was thinking "Great, now the roads are going to be awful." "It will be freezing and icy, and getting to work will be a nightmare." "What will I do if they close work, I could use the extra hours"

Then, I noticed F standing at the window peering outside. She turned to me and said "WOW! Look at the snow!!"

Seeing my daughter's enthusiasm for this change in the weather reminded me to step back and readjust my thinking. After all, why spend my day being eaten up by pessimistic thoughts, when I could be out in the snow playing with F?

So F, P, and I took some time to enjoy the snow this morning. S will be coming home from school shortly, and I am looking forward to going back outside to let him play in it as well. I will try and update with more pictures later!

Trial by Fire

2008-12-10T15:31:00.000-08:00

This seems to be the managers stance on training new employees. At least, it's how she does things with me. I honestly don't know if the other trainees are having to do what I am doing.

First, let me say, I do love my job. It's very busy but exciting (to me), it gives me plenty of opportunities to workout (which is something I happen to love to do!), gets me out of the house for a bit, and promises the opportunity for advancement in various areas and full time work with the coming new year. All of these are good things.

But WOW! This training!!!

There are three areas to be trained on; the gym floor, the front desk, and sales. Each area has a test and several days devoted to it. Silly me thought that I would complete my training, and take my tests, before I was actually turned loose on the unsuspecting members (or, in some cases, potential members)

This is not what has been happening.

Instead I have been given some (great) training and tips, been told "I think you're ready" and then sent to work. Little things that seem so simple when I read them in my employee manual "Thank You for calling Fitness Lady. This is M speaking. How may I direct your call?" suddenly seem much more difficult. Unimportant things like why can't I say "how can I" instead of "how may I?" suddenly become baffling! And that's the easy stuff!

I'm hoping my head stops spinning soon. I hope I can walk out of the building at the end of a shift feeling as confident as I did when I started the shift. Heck, some days I'm just hoping I can walk at all!

Happy Thanksgiving! (Part Two)

2008-12-09T10:29:00.001-08:00

I meant to update this awhile ago! Starting work has limited my free time, and I am not spending as much time online as I used too.

The above picture is "the cousins" S and F with their cousins, W, JA, and H. They are not screaming at each other, although it looks like they are. Actually, they were having a great time- yelling and laughing and seeing how fast they could make the porch swing rock.

The Saturday after Thanksgiving we had a small (ish) family gathering with my mother-in-law, father-in-law, J & I (with our kids) my younger sister-in-law, and my older sister-in-law with her husband and three kids. It was a lot of fun, especially getting all the kids together to act like little lunatics and play.

We didn't do the full blown meal, which was fine by me. Instead, we just had a deli type lunch. All in all, it was a good day, and it was nice to get the family together for a meal.

Happy Thanksgiving! (Part One)

2008-11-27T20:19:00.001-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

We celebrated today with my side of the family, at my grandmother's home. The "Part One" is a reference to the fact that we will be celebrating again on Saturday with J's side of the family.

We had an ok day- family get togethers can sometimes be a little strained, and kids can get cranky, but overall it was a nice thanksgiving. It was the first one we have celebrated with J since 2005. In 2006 he was deployed, and last year S, F, and I had already returned home on leave. So having us all together was a nice change of pace!

Pictured above is most of my family (minus one of my sisters, who is still up in Delaware for school) My older brother (R1), J, my father, my mother, my younger brother (R2), my grandmother, S, myself, F, and my youngest sister (C2)

Story Time!

2008-11-25T11:00:00.001-08:00

Time for a little picture comparison. Above are two pictures of S. One taken over the summer, and one taken last night. There are a lot of similarities between the two, since it is not uncommon to see S flipping through a favorite book, looking at the pictures and making up the story as he goes along. There is a big difference between these two pictures, though.

In the first picture, S is just flipping through the book, making up the story as he looks at the pictures. In the second picture, S is actually reading a story to his Teddy Bear.

My MIL recently bought S a beginner readers book, with six stories in it. S worked long and hard to sound out the words in the first story "Me Too, Woody" and was soooo proud of himself when he could sit and read the story outloud. He read it to me, to J, to my FIL, to F, to his Teddy Bear, and to my MIL. He can't wait to bring it to my parents house so he can read it to everyone there, as well. And I have no doubt it will make the trip to McComb for Thanksgiving, so he can read to the entire extended family.

Truth be told, it's not a very fascinating story. And, under normal circumstance, hearing it once would be enough. But I could listen to S read it all day long. We had been told that, due to S's difficulty with phonics and sounds, he would very likely be slow to learn how to read. And, while I know that one short story is not a huge deal- it's a very big deal for us. I love how determined S is, and that he won't let difficulty keep him from learning something new.

Hooray!

2008-11-21T09:03:00.000-08:00

I have a job working at a local gym called Fitness Lady! I am very excited about this, and think this is a step in the right direction to pursue my personal trainers certification.

I am only working part-time for now, but there is opportunity for full-time work in January, so I think it's worth sticking out for now. I started work yesterday. I will have less time to goof off on the computer, but being able to get out of the house and help with the finances makes computer time something I am willing to sacrifice!!

Feeling Hopeful

2008-11-19T05:23:00.000-08:00

I have an interview today at a gym called Fitness Lady. It's a chain around here, not sure if it is out of the state though. I am pretty hopeful about this one, although the job is not perfect. It will only be part time work until January, and starting pay is not spectacular. But, it's getting my foot in the door in a field I want to work in, and I can always pick up a second part time job as well.

This is my first official interview with them, although I did speak with their training manager last week. I called to ask them what certification programs they recommend to their employees, and made it very clear that I have every intention of pursuing this further. I am hoping that they will remember that and it works in my favor.

There are some great things about this job that make me want it, part-time or not.

My mother works from home just down the street, and has volunteered to watch F for me until the job becomes full-time
It is literally across the street from a local community college, which would make it really easy for me to take classes once we are settled in
They have another location that is down the street from where we are living now, and told me that, if I am working with them, it is very possible to be transferred to the other location in January.

This is what I want, so wish me luck!

Autumn Fun

2008-11-18T11:42:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was national Take a Hike Day (details on that posted on Mommy in Motion) S, F, and I went to a near-by park after school to go walking along the trail for a little while. When we were done with that, we played at the playground, climbed trees, and made giant leaf piles to jump in. With all the stress lately from the job hunt- it was nice to spend an hour running around outside just because we could!

S and F climbing a tree

S showing how he can climb to the very top

F enjoying the playground equiptment

S and F spinning on the merry-go-round

Enjoying their fallen leaf pile

S, F, and Mommy

Tall Pine and the Pow-Wow

2008-11-15T09:00:00.000-08:00

Yesterday S had a Pow Wow at school, and he seemed to have a lot of fun. He came home and couldn't wait to show off his face painting, tshirt, headband (with a feather!), tom-tom drum, rainmaker, pasta necklace, and name tag. His new Native American name is Tall Pine, apparently.

I'm glad they are taking some time to study Native American heritage at his school (especially around Thanksgiving), although I am not sure how accurate they are being. I know that S loves to learn though, so I am planning to take him down the road to the library today to get some age appropriate books and learn some more about it!

I didn't want to rain on his enthusiasm yesterday though, so I let him show me what he made and was sure to "oooh" and "aaah" when appropriate, and then I turned S and F loose in the yard to enjoy their new toys. Tall Pine informed me that F's new name is Mud Player, and I think it's an appropriate one for her!

America Recycles Day

2008-11-15T08:00:00.000-08:00

Today is America Recycles Day, so I thought I would remind people of that! I always thought recycling was a big movement in the US, but after living in England I realize that we are not very good at it here in the States!

While we were stationed in England- trash only ran once every other week- and recycling and compost were picked up on the weeks in between. After 4 years, that just seemed normal to me, so I was surprised when I moved back stateside. Trash was running twice a week, every week, and I never saw a single recycling bin placed at the curb!

S, F and I are going in search of our local recycling center this weekend- I found a site that let's you find one near you HERE. Take a look and see if you can find one close by!

Voluminous Vocabulary

2008-11-14T13:42:00.000-08:00

That sums up F as of late. The contrast between F's speech at 3 1/2 and S's when he was her age is astonishing to me. Many of the things she says just throw me for a loop.

For example, F has developed a fondness for adjectives. "The leaves are fabulous, Mommy", "I'm looking for a delicious snack" "I want a perfect hug".

When we were in town last year my mother pulled some old dresses out of the attic for her. She found one of them in the closet here recently, and insisted on wearing it for the rest of the day. (I'm just glad the early 90's styles aren't making a comback!) She spent the rest of the evening spinning around the living room announcing to anyone who would listen "Look at my gorgeous dress"

At dinner time, she's not shy at all when it comes to saying what she wants! I was making salads the other day and she informed me "Tomatoes taste yucky on my salad, but they ar yummy for you."

On the subject of food, F also has become very picky and bossy about meal times! When we went to the park to play with some friends the other day, and on the way home we stopped for hamburgers. She wanted a cheese burger "with no onions, tomatoes, or pickles. Just cheese with a burger under it" Since I knew the kids cheeseburger meal only came with pickles, that was all I asked them to take off. Apparently, I didn't order it correctly, because when we got to the window she had to ask for herself to make sure it was just what she wanted.

F also insists on describing her feelings and emotions at any given time. She will tell me that she is feeling silly, happy, angry, sad, jealous, frustrated or content. Heck, I don't know many adults who are that aware of their own emotions and able to verbalize them like that!

Of course, she's not spot-on with all of it. This morning she handed me a newspaper and instructed me to "hold my connotation for me, Mommy". I explained to her that she was using the word wrong and give her a brief definition of it, so I wouldn't be surprised if it pops up in conversation with her again later!

Call me crazy but...

2008-11-13T05:41:00.000-08:00

... I've started giving some serious consideration to pursuing work as a personal trainer. I'm sure many people who know me think I'm a little off my rocker. And I might be. I've certainly had my share of doubts about it.

I wonder if I am going to be able to find work right now, with the economy bad. I wonder if the pay will be enough to help support our family now that we are no longer associated with the military. And I wonder if I can even do this. After all, I have a hard time keeping myself on track- how am I going to help others stay on track too?!?

BUT... I think I really want to do this. I think this might be the right thing for me. While job hunting, my FIL told me to picture something I really enjoy doing- and then pursue that. I've been interviewing for secretary positions and, while certain aspects of the job are appealing to me, I can't picture myself waking up in the morning happy to go to work.

But I like to exercise. I enjoy the feeling I get when I know that I am making the best choices for myself each day. And I think I would like sharing that feeling with others. So I've decided to pursue it, and tackle my doubts along the way.

1) The economy- I have no intention of trying to start my own business at this point, so I am not too worried about that. I have applied for three gyms so far, and that's just the three on this street! I have a list of 20 others that I am planning to call over the next few days- and I am sure I will be able to get my foot in the door with at least one of them.

2) Income- I've been looking into getting certified. I know that general floor workers are not going to make a lot of money off the bat, but with a certification I can make more, and perhaps even teach some classes. I found an article that lists the 7 accredited Personal Trainer Certification Programs, and I am starting to do some research on them, and will pick a program based on which ones are most highly accepted in this area to increase my chances of getting work!

3) Staying on track- I think that this might actually be the push I need to keep myself in check! Afterall, what better way to stay accountable in a healthy lifestyle than to focus on health, nutrition, and fitness for a living?

I'm still not 100% sold on the idea, but this is the most I've been excited about anything in years- so I think I might have found my calling. It's not a new idea for me, it's just an idea I kept pushing to the back burner because I thought it was too impractical.

But I've been going to several secretary interviews here, and realizing that, although I want the job so that I can help support our family, I have no desire to work in any of these places. I am dissapointed when an interview goes poorly, but it's more my competitive side feeling let down because I didn't "win" the job. I've been trying to pursue a path that others think would be best for me, and aiming for a goal that I never set for myself. I think it's definately time to stop trying to please everyone else, especially my parents.

I have talked this over with J and he is behind me 100% with whatever I choose to do, so I know that, in the end, I have my husbands support. And since the choice I make is going to affect our family, in the end, his opinion is the only one I need to take into consideration.

I have been considering other options though. I have another interview this evening, and I am talking to a guard recruiter soon. And yeah, the guard seems like a drastic change, but it is something J and I discussed in the past. And, just my luck, one of the "hot jobs" (jobs they need people to fill) for the local guard base is in services- which means I would get training to work in all area of services including the base gym. A sign? Maybe- but probably not. Because another hot job is information management- which would give me secretarial training. I guess I really do need to make a decision one way or the other.

Family Update

2008-11-05T09:52:00.000-08:00

I suppose it's time for an "official" update since our lives have turned upside down and inside out recently!

J: Is out of the Air Force (kind of) Right now he is on terminal leave, and as of Dec. 13th he is officially done. It's a big adjustment, and a bit nerve-racking right now, but I am convinced that when all is said and done this is the best choice for our family.

M: I'm job hunting, and no longer in school. Once John and I find jobs, and a house, and a second car, I will go back to school, but there is just too much going on right now to make that a priority for us. Hopefully we'll get jobs soon, there's no telling with the economy the way it is at the moment, but we're still hopeful!

S: Is in kindergarten and thrilled about it. He seems to love every bit of this- he gets up really early in the mornings to wait for the rest of the house to wake up, and then rushes me out the door to wait for the bus. I stood out there with him for 40 minutes this morning, because he didn't want to miss it and HAD to be waiting outside the entire time. I'm glad he's excited though, and hope this enthusiasm lasts for a very long time.

F: Is her normal self. We took her to see the daycare she will be attending when things are sorted out, and she seems excited. There is a dance school that comes to the daycare for their preschool, and she is excited about taking dance, so we will probably sign her up for that.

P: Is trying to adjust to being an outside dog, and to grass, and trees, and cool weather, and squirrels and.... well, everything. She's doing pretty well though.

I suppose that's all, for the time being!

First Day of School- Take Two

2008-11-03T18:45:00.001-08:00

S had his first day of kindergarten again. Why not? He started school here in MS this morning, and he is very excited about it. We had a long meeting with his new teacher, the speech therapist and the resources teacher for his school, and then he went to join all his new classmates on the playground.

He loves that he gets recess twice a day. He thinks it is very cool that he gets to eat lunch in the cafeteria (and he has a brand new Spiderman lunch box!) He has a new best friend. Doesn't know his name, but he wore a red shirt with a pocket on it, and that is apparently enough for S.

At dinner tonight he informed me that I am going to have to vote tomorrow. He seemed very serious about this, and said that he already voted while he was in school, and that his teachers told him that adults are voting tomorrow. I certainly don't want to let S down!

I never changed our voter registration, so I am going to go down and see if I am still registered here. I might not be able to, I can't remember where it is I registered before. But it's worth a shot!

Story of My Life

2008-10-15T16:38:00.001-07:00

I listen to music too much. I really think I do. And, I think the problem is, I don't listen to "happy" music. I like what I listen too, it makes me happy- but stopping to listen to the lyrics gets me down sometimes.

Part of the day today (right now, even) was spent listening to Social Distortion. And the song that really jumped out at my was called Story of My Life.

This evening my MIL called to tell me that she had gotten a call from a lawyer in MS that I sent my resume too- and gave me his number so I can call him tomorrow. When I sent my resume he told me that we could set up an interview when I actually get in town the first week of November. But then he called and left a message to get me to call him. So I spent about an hour thinking we were going to do a phone interview- and I was pretty excited about this. And then song lyrics creeped into my head...

"I went downtown to look for a job
I had no training, no experience to speak of.
I looked at the holes in my jeans
And turned and headed back."

Kind of a mood killer! It did remind me though, to not set my hopes on this. Maybe he does want to interview me tomorrow. Or, maybe he's decided that I am not right for the job, maybe he's found someone else that can start right away. It's very possible that he's just doing the nice thing and letting me know before I get to town so I can start looking elsewhere.

I'm not sure. I'll be calling around 7 or 8 tomorrow (my time) to find out. And I'll either be really excited the rest of the day- or I'll be spending the rest of the day trying to run off my frustration with the iPod as loud as it goes.

Yoga

2008-10-14T12:46:00.002-07:00

I was kind of amused to see the quote of the day on the side of my page for today...

"Yoga is bodily gospel" -Reaven Fields

I'm not sure if I think of yoga in a religious way- but I will say it's probably the most spiritual I am these days. I didn't always think of it in such a positive light. In fact, the first time I tried it- I hated it.

F was born via repeat c-section, and at my 6 week PP check up I was given the ok by my doctor to begin light-moderate exercise. I assumed that yoga was something really easy (after all, it's just stretching, right???) so I took a walk down to the gym in my parents neighborhood and took a class.

And then I wanted to die.

I didn't really think the whole thing out. Like the fact that I had just had surgery that cut up and sliced to ribbons all the muscles I would be needing that day. Or the fact that I had no phone, so once I walked down there, I would be stuck walking home again.

I avoided yoga for about three years after that. Just flat out refused to consider it as an exercise possibility. I tried it again earlier this year.

To my surprise- I started loving it. I started looking forward to it every day. I practice yoga 4 to 5 times a week now. And I say "practice" because I am still not that good at it. I am certain I look very ridiculous. I know the S and F seem to find it amusing, at the least.

But I love it. It's my "me" time. It's one thing I can do that is all my own. No matter what time of day I set aside time for it, I am grateful for that half hour I give myself. I love waking up in the morning and starting out with yoga. I love ending the day with yoga and just letting all the stress leave before going to bed. I love taking a break in the middle of a very stressful day- forgetting about the phone calls that need to be made or the fact the S and F are making me want to pull my hair out.

I never thought I would love it as much as I do. It's too bad I didn't discover this years ago!

Just Let Me Eat in Peace!

2008-10-10T09:12:00.000-07:00

I never realized that making the choice to move towards a more vegetarian diet would put me in such an awkward position. Right now, I am what is called a pescetarian. Basically, I am a vegetarian who eats fish sometimes. I'm comfortable where I am, and unsure if I am going to transition to a fully vegetarian diet.

Right now though, I feel like I am just opening myself up to comments and criticisms on both sides. J is pretty good about respecting my diet choice, but he does make comments every now and then about me giving up meat. And, I know that when I go back home, I will get the same comments that I got in high-school. It seems that many of the people in my life feel like there is something wrong with me for not eating meat.

On the other hand, though, I feel judged by people who are vegetarian or vegan. After all, I am not a full vegetarian, so I guess I'm not cool enough to be in their club. Yes, that's juvenile, but the judgmental mentality isn't exactly a mature one.

This morning I was posting on a vegetarian message board (a board that was set up for vegans, vegetarians, semi-vegetarians, and people interested in possibly becoming vegetarian) One of the posters made a comment that she couldn't understand how someone who eats fish can consider themselves vegetarian.

For all I know, the comment wasn't directed to me. Or maybe it was. Doesn't matter. I just didn't understand why she felt the need to make the comment at all. I guess I just don't see why anyone on either side of the fence feels the need to make judgments about the other side. And I don't like being in a position where, no matter who I talk to, I am left feeling like there is something wrong with me, like I'm somehow not good enough for not eating red meat. Not good enough for still eating fish. Not good enough for drinking milk.

I found this: Vegetarian Lifestyle, and I liked a lot of what he had to say. Some of the comments that stood out to me were....

"Ultimately, what life style and dietary approach you adopt is really up to you. Being vegetarian does not make you a saint nor is consuming meat going to make you a bad person."

"No need to be judgmental of others: Simply be yourself. Being judgmental about people who do not embrace your values, dietary approaches, or lifestyle, is unnecessary and not constructive."

"Be true to yourself and people will respect you for it. Standing up for what you believe to be right and drawing a line for what you think is acceptable for you is a must! There are plenty of people who will appreciate you for it as well."

Quote of the Day

2008-10-09T10:50:00.000-07:00

I didn't realize how much I would miss having a quote as my title for blog posts. In some ways it seemed very limiting. On the other hand, though, it was very interesting for me to good searching for a quote that would summarize what I wanted to write about that day.

I am not going to change my format back to a blog-title quote, but I did add the "Quote of the Day" gadget that blogger offers to my tool bar. I don't really know if there is a way I can change it to show particular quotes- and I'm not sure I am always going to like the quotes it selects. But it should be interesting and (for me at least) informative. I'm always on the lookout for new and interesting quotes- so I am looking forward to seeing what is posted each day!

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's SUPERGIRL (and a cowboy)

2008-10-07T11:03:00.000-07:00

The kids picked out their Halloween costumes this past weekend. When I first had kids, I said I thought that Halloween costumes were a waste of money- why pay for something they're only going to wear once, after all.

But, in our house at least, it feels like every day is Halloween. S and F are always playing dress up- and have boxes of costumes, some from Halloween, some bought just because, and some items are just pieces of clothing that they have laid claim to. So I really don't mind buying costumes now. I know that both kids are going to get a LOT of use out of them!

S debated his costume up and down the aisles in two stores. He just couldn't make up his mind. Iron Man, The Hulk, Indiana Jones, a Transformer. Each one had it's merits, and he told J about how cool each costume was as they searched. And then they wandered off the costume aisle onto the toy aisle and S had a change of heart. Heroes are not as cool as cowboys, apparently.

J was pleased with this choice too, since most of what S would need we already had. He needed a hat, of course. Can't be a cowboy without a hat. Throw in some cap-guns and a badge- and S is officially a western lawman. He's pretty pleased with the completed look- and J is running around the house shooting capguns with S like he's 5 years-old again too!

F was much easier to pick a costume for. I assumed that she would want to be a princess, since that is what she walks around the house pretending to be. But this year she walked right past the princess costumes to the end of the aisle, and then spent several long minutes debating the merits of Wonder Woman and Supergirl.

I'm not sure why Supergirl won in the end. Maybe it's because we've been watching the seventh season of Smallville here at home, and she had Supergirl on her mind. Or, just as likely, it's because the girl wearing the costume on the bag has blonde hair. F definately shows a tendency to prefer blondes. I guess it's that little kid mentality- "her hair looks like mine, her eyes look like mine". Whatever it is, I'm pretty pleased. She's more of a Super hero than a princess anyway- she's much too wild and adventuruous to spend her days at tea parties.

So, this year, S and F are going to save the world in their own ways. I like having heroes in my house.

School's Out For Summer

2008-10-02T19:10:00.000-07:00

S and Ms. B

Ok, maybe not for the summer. But it is out for the remainder of the time we are in Vegas. S's school is on a track system, and the first track break starts tomorrow, so today was his last day of school while we are here. Thankfully, he had a great teacher who understands the importance of continuing education at home. The students were all sent home with a months worth of activities to day, as well as a new book. S is very excited to have school to do at home again, and he and F are both excited about this new book. I'm pleased with the packet as well. It will help me with my lesson plans. I've been working with him at home these past six weeks anyway, and plan to continue homeschooling until we get him enrolled in MS. He's almost completed the workbooks we have though- so it's nice to have some new materials to go over. I took some pictures yesterday of S and F walking to school, in the classroom, and playing on the playground. So I figured I would post them. It's my blog, afterall, so why not?

S and F on their way to school
S jumping on the playground
F enjoying a chance to play soccer
F really enjoyed the days she got to go to school

The Mystery of the Missing Backpack

2008-10-01T22:06:00.000-07:00

Today was just not our day. I'm starting to feel very anxious to move, and feeling less safe in what I thought was our nice, quiet neighborhood.

I was a volunteer in S's classroom today, and went to school with him. On our walk home from the school, we noticed one of our neighbors was being arrested. Pleasant, eh? We got home and I realized that I had left my keys and my phone inside and J- being the smart and cautious man that he is, had locked the door before he went to work. So I had S and F leave their backpacks tucked behind the wall and we went to the convenience store across the street to borrow their phone and call J to come home and let us in.

We were gone for all of 15 minutes, just long enough to call J and then buy some water since we were going to have to wait outside in the son for at least 30 minutes before J could come home. We got home and I noticed that S's backpack was missing. Someone had come into our yard and stolen it.

There was nothing valuable in the bag, so it's not a huge deal. The thing that bothers me though, is that the backpacks were not visible from the street/sidewalk. In order to see them someone would have had to come up to our gate- possible with the intention of breaking into the (thankfully) locked house. THAT bothers me a lot more than a missing bag.

S is not all that upset. He has three other backpacks, and several folders that he can take to school with him tomorrow. He's treating this whole situation as a kind of adventure- the way only a five-year-old can. He talks about the "mystery" and wants to solve it, but did not seem bothered when I told him that there was not a very big chance of of solving the mystery.

I'm glad that S is not phased by this but, at the same time, it makes me even more anxious to get out of Vegas!

Because I can

2008-10-01T08:00:00.000-07:00

I've gotten a little bored with the way I am currently posting. The Boy, The Girl, That Guy, The Dog- it just doesn't appeal to me anymore. I'm also finding the title quotes a little limiting. So, since everything else is changing soon anyway- I might as well change my posting style.

I do like the privacy of not revealing our names though, so I will keep that to a certain extent. I think initials will work just fine for most of us. The dog shares a first initial with me though, so I think she can go by the initial of her nickname. Why? Because I said so.

So, a brief re-introduction to the family. My husband, That Guy, is J. I am M (I feel like a Bond character now, too bad we don't have a Q in the family) Our son, The Boy, is S, and our daughter, The Girl is F. The puppy is P.

I'm too lazy to go back and change all the old posts though, so I'm not going to.

Anyway- just a pointless little announcement on my part.

"To find out what one is fitted to do, and to secure an opportunity to do it, is the key to happiness."

2008-09-30T16:19:00.000-07:00

What do you want to be when you grow up?

I have no idea how many times I was asked that question as a child or a teen. I always had an answer then. But now, I'm 24 (almost 25), technically a grown-up, and I have no idea what I want to "be".

I've been debating with myself for awhile now about continuing my paralegal studies. I had decided to wait until after I moved to make my final decision. I knew that online school was not working for me- I need a lot more structure. So I was going to go to the local community colleges and see if my online credits would transfer. If they did- I would transfer them and continue on with paralegal work. If not- I would have a decision to make about what to do then.

Today I got a letter in the mail informing me that I have 30 days to complete my semester or be removed from the program. At first I was pretty upset, but right now I am thinking it was a blessing in disguise. J and I talked about it, and I made the decision to just quit the program.

I've wrestled with guilt over this possibility for awhile. After all, but quitting, I am wasting the money I spent on 2 semesters. But after talking with J I realized that it was better to waste that money, than to waste years of my life pursuing a degree (and later a career) that would not make me happy.

So now I am back to asking myself what I want to "be". The possibilities are endless, and the thought of that is daunting. It's very scary to have no idea what you want to do with your life. I really have no idea what I am "fitted to do".

I know that I could easily go back to childcare. Finding a job wouldn't be an issue- since all my work experience up until now has been in childcare. Pursuing a degree in early childhood development is certainly an option. And I'm good at it. I know that sounds a little vain, but I really am. I've always had a knack for it, and I've always enjoyed working with children.

What I hate is the adult side of child-care. I don't like dealing with unreasonable parents- like the ones who complain that their child who is just learning to walk falls down, or the ones who demand that you change the rules of the program to fit their own personal wishes. I hated working at the base daycare too, because of the policies there. And I know that there is no guarantee that I will have a similar experience somewhere else, but there is also no guarantee that I won't- and I don't know if I am willing to risk that.

I hated having my schedules changed on a whim, having my training time canceled and still being expected to complete it. When I was in the 2 year old classroom- the room lead went on leave for 2 months and, when she was returned, was assigned to a new class. It was a new classroom and, during that time I was expected to help 14 children transition into a new class, keep up all the records, and be the "acting" room lead. But when I applied for the position of "official" room lead I was told I was not qualified to do it. Never mind that I was already doing all the tasks that would be expected. I hated being told that I could not leave work when my daughter was running a fever, that I instead had to stay and cover a break for another caregiver. That was the day F had her first seizure. In the time I was not allowed to leave, her fever spiked from 100* to 104*- and by the time I got her to the ER motrin wasn't enough to cut it- she started seizing in the waiting room.

Ok, so I ended up going off on a bit of a tangent there- but I guess that makes my point. The problem is, as much as I hated certain aspects of the job- it's the only thing I am qualified to do at this point.

I still have time, I suppose, and I will eventually make a decision. Hopefully I'll find something and be able to love it.

"Other things may change us, but we start and end with family"

2008-09-26T15:45:00.000-07:00

I was browsing around the new babycenter community yesterday, and decided to check and see what the suggested journal topic was. Thes suggested photo journal topic was "Generations" Seems simple enough. Knowing my fondness for posting pictures, I thought I would take advantage of this topic and post some here.

This first picture is three generations of men in That Guy's family- That Guy, my FIL, and The Boy. We took this picture when we were visiting Scotland with his parents way-back-when (I was pregnant with The Girl during that visit). Most of our visit that year consisted of visiting areas of the country where That Guys ancestors used to live- and the three boys in the family stopping at each location to take a picture of "three generations of Lastname men" My FIL got a huge kick out of that. Three generations of Lastname men walking on the same soil that Lastname men lived for many generations. I have to admit- I thought it was pretty cool too.

This second picture is of The Boy and my Aunt- his Great Aunt, taken while I was still pregnant with The Girl. It was, unfortunantly, the only time she met him- and she has never met The Girl. My mother's family all lives in New Jersey, so even growing up I didn't see much of them. And I saw her family even less after I got married. That didn't stop my aunt from driving to the airport in Delaware to spend some time with The Boy and I while we had a layover on our flight home. She gave up an entire day to pick us up from the hotel, have breakfast with us, take The Boy to a playground so that he could run off some energy, and spend hours trying to kill time at the airport just so we wouldn't be bored.

One of my absolute favorite pictures of The Girl is this one- she is 4 days old and being held by Grandma Lastname, her great-grandmother. Grandma Lastname was 86 years old when this picture was taken, and I am thrilled that she got to see her tiny great granddaughter. She's still with us, but her eyesight is gone now- so she cannot see how much the babies have grown. From everything that That Guy and his family tell me, she was always a fiesty, strong-willed woman, and I see a lot of that in The Girl. If half the stories about Grandma Lastname are true- I would be thrilled if The Girl grew up to be like her.

This picture is the counter-balance of the multitude of pictures of the three Lastname men in Scotland. My family also immigrated from Scotland- my mother's father came over when he was 16. So when we took a trip with my family- we made a point to stop in some places that my own ancestors had lived generations ago. And now I have a picture of three generartions of Maiden-Name women standing in the garden of a castle that was once owned by my ancestors. It's in interesting picture to look at, and the idea really just makes me smile.

Here is my father, "Papa" to the kids- on Father's Day back in 2006. It was the tail end of a visit to England to see us, and he really wanted a picture with his two grandchildren. I love both my parents, but I was always a little closer to my father. So I love this picture- the older generation that taught me and guided me through early life, and the younger generation that I have to figure out how to teach and guide.

I know he was thrilled to be able to take this photo- it's still in his office now. He hadn't seen his grandchildren in over a year at this point- and the last time he had seen The Girl she was just 2 months old. Things certainly changed!! Honestly, that is the only thing I disliked about our time over-seas- spending so much time away from family. I hate that our parents and friends missed out on so much with the kids. They never got to see them gowing up, and I know they have regretted missing out.

Last Christmas That Guy's family decided that we were long-overdue for a multi-generational family portrait. So we got three generations of the Lastname family together and had some portraits made. The Boy and The Girl love to look at this picture. It helps them to try and remember all the people in Daddy's family- they point to each person, say their name, and usually tell us one thing they remember about them too. "This is Nana, she has two dogs" or "This is Papa- he has a funny hat". I know my MIL was very excited about this. She had her three children, two spouses, and five grandchildren all in one place.

This last one is a "just because". Here is the younger generation of the Lastname family. The Girl is sitting on her oldest cousin's ("A") back, The Boy is next to him, and then there are two other cousins- "T" who is just 6 weeks younger than The Girl, and "M", who is three years older than The Boy. Getting all five children to sit still and look at the camera at the same time was an impossible undertaking- so four out of five wasn't too bad!

"What has a man's face to do with his character?"

2008-09-25T19:44:00.001-07:00

I've been thinking about beauty, appearances, self-esteem and self-acceptance a lot lately. Partly because I personally struggle with the last two, and partly because I wonder what kind of message I am sending to my children (The Girl in particular).

I don't remember ever being happy with my appearance. My parents told me frequently that I was beautiful. I never believed them. They told me I was perfect the way I was. I didn't believe that either.

I did believe my older brother though, when he would tell me I was ugly. I believed my paternal grandmother too, when she would tell me that I needed to go on a diet, and wear clothes to "hide your extra weight". I believed peers and classmates who told me that I was fat and unattractive. I never had any problem believing those negative messages.

The first comment about my weight that I remember came when I was in 5th grade. 10 years old, and I was worried that I was too fat. It continued on through high school and, let's face, throughout my adulthood so far.

My struggles with self esteem made me feel like I should be grateful that any guy would pay attention to me. It caused me to put up with things in early relationships that I should never have tolerated. It caused me to put up with things in my marriage that I should never have tolerated.

I've spent the last 2 years trying to get healthier, and to gain some long needed confidence. I've focused on my weight- but also made an effort to live a healthier life overall. I've been conscience to never make disparaging comments about my weight or appearance in front of the children- because I don't want them hearing that. I don't want my kids to think that weight or looks are too important.

Today I had the following exchange with The Girl...

Me: You're so beautiful
The Girl: Nope, I'm so me!

I am thrilled and a little saddened by this. I am beyond thrilled that The Girl doesn't think of herself as a pretty girl- she thinks of herself as The Girl. Her appearance doesn't seem to register to her as being worth taking note of- her blond hair, her blue eyes, her freckles- they are all just aspects of HER, and nothing more.

I'm sad though, because I wonder if I am doing her a service, or disservice, by commenting on her appearance at all. Wouldn't a good mother say "you're so sweet", "you're so funny", or "you're so smart" instead of "you're so beautiful" ?

Does commenting on her appearance help her? Will telling her every day that she is a beautiful child instill in her some of the confidence that I was (am) lacking? Or does it hurt her? Does it teach her that beauty is something important, that appearances matter? I'm really not sure.

Being a mother to a little girl is much harder than I ever anticipated!

"The hardest people to convince they are at retirement age are children at bedtime."

2008-09-24T19:58:00.000-07:00

I never realized how many bedtime traditions we had until I tried to send my kids to bed on their own tonight. Being the brilliant mother that I am, I thought I could kiss them goodnight and send them upstairs while I stayed downstairs working on my resume. After the third trip upstairs I gave up that foolish notion and just went up to stay. Our bedtime routine has become ridiculously long. Sometimes I feel that they spend more time getting ready for bed than for sleeping! It consists of...

Showers, first The Girl and then The Boy. Complete with arguments over washing hair and why The Girl should NOT have to let the water touch her head in any way.
Picking out pajamas (which is a surprisingly long and complicated task, as each child feels compelled to discuss the merits of each potential item of clothing before settling on what to wear for the night
Brushing teeth- all three of us- following by The Girl asking at least half a dozen questions about why we brush our teeth, what will happen if we don't, why is her tooth brush green, why is The Boy's toothbrush orange, etc...
Picking a bedtime story-which is generally a 20 minute debate with the kids running from room-to-room. The Girl will select a book from her collection, The Boy vetoes it, so they traipse into his room and The Boy selects a book, which The Girl then vetoes. Back to her room and on-and-on until Mommy announces that if they cannot agree in 5 seconds Mommy is going to read a dictionary to them.
Once the book is finally selected, they grab a stuffed animal and blanket, and we cuddle on the couch upstairs and read it. Relatively short books (which should take only 10 minutes to read) can drag out to an hour some nights- as both The Boy and The Girl have to discuss and ask questions about each page.
Singing Danny Boy to The Boy (with The Boy's name substituted into the song in place of Danny) which started when The Boy was 2 months old.
Singing "the too rah song" to The Girl (quite honestly, I am not sure what the name of the song is, or how to spell it) which started when The Girl was still using my ribcage as a punching bag in utero.
At least 15 minutes of good night hugs and kisses, tucking in, catching The Girl sneaking out of her room, tucking in again, etc...

In some ways, I would love to cut down on our nightly rituals. But, to be perfectly honest, I am no more ready to give it up than they are. Both kids are growing too fast, and I know that soon they aren't going to want so much attention from Mommy- so I might as well enjoy it while I can. Tonight I decided to take a few pictures, and I thought I would share them.

The Girl in her "nightgown". What? Isn't it perfectly normal for a three year old to wear an Eric Draven t-shirt to sleep in?

The Boy in his pajamas. Spiderman boxers that That Guy bought him 3 years ago and are STILL too big (the reason That Guy is no longer allowed to clothes shop for the kids without supervision.) and an old Halloween t-shirt

The Boy with his blanket, toy, and book of choice.

The Girl getting ready to snuggle in for a story with her blanket and a Care Bear that is almost as big as she is.

"My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint."

2008-09-23T08:26:00.001-07:00

I had to laugh over the Erma Bombeck quote I found this morning. This is pretty much an accurate summary of my feelings about housework.

The problem is, as a stay at home mom, I feel like I have to be responsible for all the house work. I am not bringing in any money, and that bothers me. So I feel like I have to "pull my weight"- I need to keep up with the yard work, take out the trash, clean the house, do the laundry, cook the meals, manage the finances, and care for the kids. I don't know how this idea got planted in my head. I really don't.

This is not the type of house I was raised in. My parents split the house-hold responsibilities in what I assumed was the "traditional" way. My mother handled the money and the housecleaning- my father took out the trash and did the yard work. As the kids in the house got older and more capable- we were assigned chores to help out in and out of the house. So I certainly never saw my mother shouldering everything- I definately didn't learn it from her.

That Guy has never made me feel this way. He certainly never told me I had to shoulder it all, and when I have talked about the stress I feel staying at home, he has always volunteered to help more, he's told me to take it easier, to learn to ask for help, and to not try and do everything on my own.

For some reason though, I feel like I "owe" That Guy, because I do not work outside of the home. I just wish I could find some way to carry my weight other than housekeeping- because I despise it!!

I spent an hour and a half cleaning my house today. I cleaned dishes, counter, windows, floors, carpets, picked up toys, made beds, scrubbed toilets and washed clothes. I would have vastly preferred hitting my head on the top bunk bed. This is NOT fun. Because- no matter how much cleaning got done today- I am going to have to do it all again tomorrow.

So please, bring on the head banging and fainting. It would be a nice change.

"I believe the future is just the past again, entered through a new gate"

2008-09-19T08:40:00.000-07:00

I'm not that great at keeping blogs up to date. In fact, I haven't been doing a great job of keeping anything organized lately. The movers are coming to get our things in just over a month, and I don't feel ready to move at all! Lately I've been spending most of my time working with the kids, taking The Boy to school, and trying to get everything organized for our move. Moving is a huge example of the past repeating itself- at least in this family!

Last year at this time I was preparing for our move from England to the states. We've only been in this house for nine months and we're already planning to move again. I have no idea how many hours I have spent online- trying to map out our route home, planning stops and hotels, searching for houses and jobs back in MS, trying to find out what I need to know to get The Boy registered for school mid-semester, trying to find a daycare or preschool for The Girl to attend... My brain hurts. I thought I would try a little update though.

That Guy and I: That Guy had his 27th birthday in August- I can't believe I didn't post about it at all. Of course, I also forgot to post about our 6th wedding anniversary, so I guess I don't feel too guilty about it! We were able to go out on his birthday weekend (we went to see the new Batman movie and then out to dinner) We didn't go out for our anniversary- but we did have a nice date night at home, and that was just as good, in my opinion.

Other than that, nothing too thrilling going on with us. That Guy is spending this week in briefings to help prepare for his seperation. He has been coming home every day with mountains of paperwork- so hopefully when we comb through it over the weekend we will feel more prepared for this new move.

I haven't been feeling well this last month- but it's an old complaint so nothing new really. I went to the Dr and I'm waiting now for an ultrasound to see if they can pinpoint the problem. In the past I have had issues with painful cysts and also pain from internal scarring (4 abdmoninal surgeries leave behind a lot of scars!) I'm just waiting to go in and find out which one it is this time and see what can be done.

The Boy: The Boy is doing great! Today marks the end of his 4th week of school- which is actually pretty huge since he's only doing 6 weeks here in Vegas! He's doing great, and he loves it. I'm a parent helper in his class room and I have to say- I don't see how he's "behind" at all. Maybe I'm just biased, but it actually seems to me like he is near the top of his class. As a volunteer, my job is to call the kids over for some one-on-one help- things like writing their name, identifying the letters of the alphabet, flashcards matching oppostites and rhyming words, etc... The Boy hasn't been struggling with any of these activities- so I think he's going to be just fine.

Outside of the class room, things with The Boy are also great. He has a best friend at school now, and he and "J" make plans together all the time. He's still a great help at home, and loves to draw. I go through a pad of construction paper each week, and have to buy new crayons and colored pencils twice a month just to keep up with his hobby! When he is not coloring inside, he's running around on the playground outside and making up games. He likes the trees behind our house- he pretends the hanging branches are Spiderman webbing and "swings" from tree to tree! He's also discovered a new PBS show- Sid the Science Kid, and has announced that he's going to be a sceintist when he grows up. I'd love to encourage this with him- although I'm not sure how much help I am going to be when he gets older! Science classes were never my strong suit, but we'll do what we can to encourage his new interest.

The Girl: Things with her are as interesting as ever! She's sweet and devilish all at the same time- I honestly think all three year olds are bi-polar! She is FINALLY potty trained. Nothing we did worked though. She just woke up one morning and announced "I'm going to go potty". And she's been accident free since then. I'm baffled by this, but I know not to look a gift horse in the mouth!

She's loving the one-on-one time she gets when The Boy is in school, and she loves the days that I volunteer and she gets to go to "big school" too. Everything with her is very dramatic- good or bad. If The Puppy looks at her wrong, it's time for tears and wailing as loudly as she can. If it's time to go to the playground- she's shrieking with joy and bouncing off the walls until we open the door to the backyard. She's got more energy than I know what to do with, but I am definately learning to appreciate it and even looking forward to it most days!

"The more alternatives, the more difficult the choice"

2008-08-18T19:06:00.000-07:00

After days of phone calls, and a lot of discussion and deliberation, That Guy and I have made a decision about The Boy's education.

We have decided not to sign the paperwork placing him in the special education program, and to send him to a "normal" kindergarten class instead.

There were several reasons for this, and we've already received negative reactions to it. The principal from school T has asked "why are you denying him the help he needs" The special education teacher has said "The Boy is already behind, you're doing him a disservice" The front desk clerk at school T gave me a withering look, as if I was the worst parent she has ever dealt with.

We are confident in our decision though.

1st- school T was basing his "need" for placement on his "out of state IEP". The IEP that was done when we were in England. When he was 3. And not speaking. Well, sure- if he was still on that level 2 years later I would understand his need to be in a special program. But he's not. His only speech problem is phoenetic now. He speaks. Not always clearly, but he speaks.

2nd- when the evaluation was done at school H- they said that most of The Boy's problems were that he didn't know some of the pre-school basics. He didn't know the alphabet and couldn't count past 5, for example. In the month since that evaluation we've worked with The Boy. Not only does he know the alphabet now- he's also started writing words. He's counting to twenty, and doing basic addition and subtraction (and even started learning fractions when he helps me cook!) We are convinced that, whatever he needs to learn, he will learn. He has more than demonstrated that he is capable of learning.

3rd- I don't think his learning disability is an actual disability. I think he has a different learning style. The Boy has a hard time with memorization, but he does exceedingly well with visual prompts. If you ask The Boy to recite the alphabet- he can't do it without stumbling. But he knows all letters on sight. He can't add and subtract in his head, but if you show him things written out on paper he can give the right answer. He's a visual learner. I don't see that as a disability. That Guy and I are also visual learners. It didn't hinder us in school and it hasn't harmed us in life. I don't see how we are doing The Boy a disservice here.

And 4th- I've seen how The Boy does in "mainstream" classes, and seen how he does is "special" classes. When he was in speech classes the teachers tended to teach to the lower abilities in the class. Which makes sense, and I am not criticizing that in any way. When he was in the daycare- his teacher planned her lessons based on what the majority was capable of. Sometimes The Boy struggled a bit- and sometimes he excelled. But when he struggled, it motivated him. The Boy doesn't like not knowing how to do something, and when he sees other children doing something he doesn't know how to do yet, he tries and tries until he masters that skill.

Right now, the only disservice I see happening is that the school district here is over-crowded, under-staffed and under-funded. As a result, the children are on a track system, and the kindergarten is divided into morning and afternoon sessions. The Boy will only be going to school for 2 1/2 hours a day for the six weeks we have left in Nevada. When we move back to MS, he will be attending a nine-month school with a full day program. If he is behind the other children, it will not be because we didn't consent to special education, but because he is starting school later in the year than his MS peers, and attending for a significantly shorter time each day.

So, we've made our decision and we're sticking with it. The Boy will attend the school we origionally registered him with- and I will continue our homeschooling as well. If that makes me a bad mom- so be it.

"If you can't sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there worrying."

2008-08-15T23:25:00.000-07:00

It's 11:30 at night. And I am sipping on a cup of coffee. I should be going to bed, instead of searching the internet. I just can't sleep.

I'm worried. Actually, that's a bit of an understatement. I am out of my mind with worry. I feel like I am drowning in a sea of stress, frantically searching for some distant island of hope- and feeling like I am going to go under at any moment. How's that for being melodramatic?

And I realize that most people do not want to read about another person's problems. It's depressing. It's no fun. But if you can't rant and rave on a personal blog- where can you? So here goes.

Lately, I've started to feel a little more in control with The Boy and his school. He's been doing exceptionally well with our little "homeschooling" In the past month, he's gone from being able to only identify the letters in his name and count to 5- to being able to identify and write the entire alphabet, and count to 15. He's begun to grasp that letters form words and has learned to write a few words on his own. His name, his sisters, Mommy, Daddy, Nana, Papa, Pop (his grandparents) as well as Spiderman. :-) He's gained an understanding of basic math concepts. Simple addition and subtraction, and even a little knowledge of fractions.

So here I am, thinking everything is going to be ok. And thinking school is settled. After all, we've registered him. I've received 4 letters from school H. welcoming him to the 2008-2009 school year, telling us which track he is on, who his teacher will be and when orientation is.

And then yesterday I get a letter from school T. Telling me that he is scheduled to go there and I need to hurry up and get him registered. I'm a bit confused so I call both school T and school H. And both schools have him listed as a student. I call the school district and the board of special education. And no one has any answers. No one can explain to me why he is supposedly scheduled to attend two seperate schools.

Two days on the phone and I finally get the beginnings of an answer.

Back in July we did The Boy's IEP evaluation and eligibility meeting at school H. And I was told that, while he is behind- he would benefit from a mainstreamed education and would attend school at school H. They said the IEP wasn't finalized yet, but would be soon and I would be contacted. So I waited. I never heard anything else about the IEP- but the letters from school H began to arrive so I assumed it was settled.

Apprently though, school H sent the eligibility to the depertment in charge of special education- and they determined that The Boy's needs could not be met in a mainstream school- and instead of decided that the best course is school T. Which is set up just for special needs kindergarten students.

But no one told me. Not one letter. Not one phone call. Just a letter in the mail yesterday telling me I am eligible for transportation services and reminding me to turn in the registration asap. Nevermind that I had NO IDEA that this was his new school. And I've never talked to anyone from this school.

I made some very angry phone calls to school T yesterday, after school H assured me it was a mistake. I even told them to take him off their student list. And now I have to straighten that out on Monday and hope it's not too late to get his spot back. Because school H called me back today and said "oops, our mistake- he IS supposed to go to school T"

So now, here I am . Nearly midnight and I am drinking coffee and searching the internet. Because this changes everything. Literally- everything.

An IEP that says my son has to go to a special needs school changes all our plans for moving home. He is now no longer eligible for the public school system, because they public schools are not set up to meet those needs.

This changes plans for where we are going to live. Because we now have to find a way to budget for private school tuition. Which means all the houses we were looking at in nice, safe neighborhoods are out the window. We now have to start searching for houses in lower-income parts of town. That, or beg our parents for money to cover tuition.

This changes plans for where we are going to work. That Guy had some tentative plans for cross training. But now he is looking at going to a 29 week tech school in Texas (we're moving to MS) because it will provide him better financial opportunities on the outside. And I hate that it's coming down to that. Either scrape by and rely on handouts from family- or split up our family for 7 months. I don't know how the kids are going to handle not seeing their dad for so long. I don't know how our relationship, which is already struggling, is going to survive a seperation that long. But I don't know how we can do anything else.

I just don't know about anything anymore. I don't see how these decisions can be made without consulting me. How they can just decide that my son isn't going to thrive in school and assign him to a special needs school without informing me at all.

Does anyone have a magic wand? Please? I need one. That, or a giant magic 8 ball with the answers to all of lifes questions.

I guess I have to settle with another cup of coffee though.

Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.

2008-08-11T22:17:00.000-07:00

I hate commercials. Really, really hate them. I understand that they serve a purpose- and I don't blame companies for wanting to advertise their products- it's good business sense, after all. But I still hate them.

We didn't have commercials while we lived in England. We only had AFN- and the "commercials" on those channels were put out by the Air Force. Notices, reminders, etc... but no product pushing. I didn't realize what a blessing that was until we came back to the states.

The reason I really hate them right now, is because my children (The Boy, in particular) are old enough to be captivated by them. Especially infomercials.

The Boy is convinced that we absolutely HAVE TO HAVE aqua-globes. He is fascinated by the concept- and tells me with amazement that they will keep our plants green! Nevermind that we don't have any plants. I do not have a green thumb. I have never had the desire to have house plants. This doesn't stop The Boy from watching that infomercial wide-eyed and then tell me "We need to get that"

When we go to the grocery store- he wants poptarts. He wants cereal straws. He wants gushers, and fruit roll-ups, and whatever drink that is currently advertised with the annoying "respect the pouch" campaign.

These are food items that I have NEVER bought for our family. And I have no intention of starting. Right now The Boy accepts "that's not on our list" as reason enough- and doesn't complain. But the fact that he knows about these products annoys me. That he feels he needs these products annoys me.

We're getting rid of our cable soon- and I can't wait. We have quite a collection of movies and television shows on DVD. So we won't be bored. But we will get to enjoy our television minus advertisments.

Heaven.

"Stubborness does have it's helpful features. You always know what you're going to be thinking tomorrow."

2008-08-10T00:20:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I am afraid that I am too stubborn for my own good.

I keep trying to find the motivation to pick up my school books again and study- but I just can't seem to care.

I should be working on my paralegal degree. I just don't want to.

When I was 8 years old, I decided that I wanted to be a lawyer. This didn't change until I was 18, pregnant, and in the middle of dropping out of college. After my son was born, I did want to go back to school, but I felt that I had to be realistic. a 4 year degree, and then law school began to feel out of reach. I didn't know how we would be able to afford it.

So I switched my focus to paralegal studies- and I began my courses almost 2 years ago. Two years working on an associates degree- and I am not even finished with my second semester.

The problem is- I don't want to be a paralegal. I never did. But it just seemed like a realistic step-down from my goal. And now I've paid for two semesters- so I don't want to feel like I have wasted that money. I just can't make myself study- so either way I've wasted our money.

Lately I've been thinking of alternate career options, and I've had an idea that I am excited about. But I'm nervous to pursue it. What if I change my mind again? Why is it that, at 24 years old, I still don't know what I want to be when I "grow up".

The past few months, I've given a lot of thought to pursuing certification as a personal trainer. After all, getting healthier has been a steady focus of my life for almost 2 years now. I've learned a lot, and why shouldn't I do something with that? I've mentioned it to That Guy, and he's being supportive, to a certain degree. He tells me that it would be a great idea- a job I can have while I finish school. "While I finish".

That Guy just assumes that I will continue on the path I origionally chose. My family and friends all assume the same. Hell, so do I. It's hard to change your focus- especially when it's something that's been the focus for 2/3 of your life.

Just not sure what to do right now.

"Action expresses priorites"

2008-08-08T00:19:00.000-07:00

There are times when I really wonder if my husband and I are ever on the same page. We have conversations all the time about what our goals are, what our priorites are- and verbally, we seem to be in agreement. We both say that our two biggest priorities right now are saving money and being healthier.

But then there are our actions, which seem to be going in two different directions.

I'm not claiming to be perfect- but I do believe that I am making our priorites the focus of my actions. Not 100% on target all the time- but I am working towards that. My husband, on the other hand...well... I just don't see him doing what he is saying.

Take savings, for example. We aren't struggling to make ends meet- but we want to focus on savings because in October we will be losing all our handy little military benefits. Which means no more free medical. No more housing allowance. Buying a house on our own dime. Scary thought. So we both think about cutting things out.

Our cell-phone plan was cheaper than a home phone- so we decided not to get one. We actually cut out internet altogether (yay for wireless mooching, lol!) and our cable is going away soon too. We just don't need those things, and can't justify paying for them.

But That Guy still nitpicks over expenses. He asks a million questions when I buy new clothes for the kids- even though they are growing like weeds, need those clothes, and I shop sales racks. He gripes about the grocery bill- even though I have managed to cut our grocery bill from around $100 a week to under $200 for the entire freaking month. He complains about household bills- even though I do everything I can to save energy, including using daylight instead of turning on lights in the house, keeping the thermostat at 80* instead of running the air, and washing dishes by hand instead of running the dishwasher every day.

And it's not that I find these concerns of his to be unreasonable, under normal circumstances. But these complaints are coming from a man who asked for a $200 amplifier for his birthday, who decided to buy a new laptop this week, and is currently shopping for another guitar (when he has three already)

What the hell? Where are the priorities? He wants me to cut back on food for the family and clothes for the kids- but new guitars and amplifiers are ok?? Ugh!!!

And then there's being healthier. We both say we want to set a good example for the kids. We both say we want to lose weight. We both say we want to cut back on junk food. And I try. Yes, I mess up. A lot. But I do try.

That Guy does go to the gym three times a week for PT. And if I cook something healthy, he eats it. But that's the extent of it. He asked for Wii Fit for Father's Day- and has used it a grand total of 3 times since then. When I ask him to go for walks or bike rides with the kids and I, he always has an excuse why he can't/shouldn't go. He comes home from work almost every single night with a soda and some form of junk food.

Now, I understand that you can't force someone to be healthier. If he isn't ready to take those steps- fine. But why the hell does he say he wants to lose weight if he isn't willing to put any effort into it? I just don't get it.

So I know I kind of complained about That Guy a lot here. It's just been on my mind lately. We've had a couple of semi-arguments lately. I wouldn't say they were full on arguments- since they tend to be one-sided. That Guy makes a snide/rude/obnoxious remark, and I roll my eyes and leave the room. Stimulating conversation right there.

I just wish we could truly be on the same page. I don't know if we will be anytime soon. Sure would be nice though.

"I would teach her to love life. I could do that."

2008-08-06T21:39:00.000-07:00

My title quote is from Maya Angelou- and is actually much longer. I didn't have room to put it all in the title, but I loved it and wanted to post the whole thing. And since it's my blog- who's gonna stop me?

"I have so much I can teach

her and pull out of her. I

would say you might

encounter defeat but you

must never be defeated. I

would teach her to love a

lot. Laugh at the

silliest things and be very

serious. I would teach her

to love life. I could do that."

It might be obvious by now- but today I want to write about my daughter. This amazing little person who is a part of my life, and whom I do not always appreciate.

I'm not a perfect mother. I never claimed to be. And patience is not one of my virtues. I find myself quite often aggrivated, frustrated, and otherwise at wits end with The Girl.

Potty training battles with her baffle me and leave me dumbfounded. Here is a child who stays dry all night- who doesn't have a single accident when out and about running errands- but somehow cannot seem to remember to use the toilet when she's awake at home!

Her pure stubborness, once an endearing personality trait- has me wanting to pull my hair out by the roots. And don't even get me started on her complete and utter joy in being destructive!

So, it's time for me to step back, and start to think on the more postive aspects of being a mother to The Girl. And there are many. I might have to seek them out amid tantrums and back-talk, but they're there.

I love that The Girl is so confident in herself. She accepts no limitations- in her mind she can be and do anything. Yes, this can lead to a battle of wills, but overall I see this as a positve trait. My daughter will be a princess, a doctor, a knight in shining armour, a singer, a cook, and a scientist- all in one day. She doesn't accept that there are "boy" things and "girl" things to do- if she wants to do something, or play with something, she will. She plays with baby dolls and action figures at the same time. Whatever she wants to be or do- she is or does. This is a wonderful thing.

I am inspired by The Girl's passion for learning. She asks a million questions, and shares what she knows in a non-stop stream of chatter. I'll admit that I've sometimes wished her steady stream of dialogue came with a mute button- but I am in awe by what she knows- and what she wants to know. The Girls makes observations on the things she sees- and even when she's "wrong", I am impressed by how her mind works. For example- she calls palm trees "pineapple trees". And it makes sense. She knows what a pineapple looks like. She knows that many of the foods we eat grow on trees. So why wouldn't a tree that looks like a pineapple be the source of that fruit? And if she doesn't know something- she asks. All day, every day- what is this? where does it come from? how does it work? can I make that? how do you do that? I want to try. This is a wonderful thing.

I love that The Girl is The Girl. She's sweet and loving, moody and cranky, silly and serious. She makes up songs to sing and games to play. My favorite game at the moment is "the hugging game" It's very simple to play- but fun anyway. The Girl will come to me and say "I'm playing the hugging game" and give me the tightest hug she can. Then she'll say "Now I have to give the hugs to Daddy/The Boy/The Puppy" She circles the room hugging everyone until something else distracts her and she moves on. She has so much fun just being herself- she likes to play, she likes to laugh, she likes to sing, she likes to be a goofy, wild, loveable three-year-old! This is a wonderful thing.

"Creativity is a natural extension of our enthusiasm"

2008-07-15T14:23:00.000-07:00

The Boy has quite a passion for drawing. The the point where That Guy and I are giving serious consideration to signing him up for art classes after we move. And, like most little kids, his drawings are mostly just the things he loves. There are a lot of pictures of The Boy with various family members, pictures of him in his favorite places or playing with his favorite toys.

Most of his work though, is superheros. Not surprising, since The Boy has been superhero obsessed for the last three years. He sits at the kitchen table and draws picture after picture, and each one tells a story that he is eager to share.

It might be too early to tell what path he might pursue as an adult, and That Guy and I certainly aren't going to push him one way or the other- but seeing him concentrating so hard on his drawings puts visions of The Boy working for Marvel or DC one day illustrating comics in my head. I can honestly picture that for him- and I would be thrilled if he chose to pursue a creaive path.

I'm not going to try and claim that The Boy is an artistic prodigy, but I will so that I love his little drawings. I love how much effort he puts into them, I love how proud he is of them, and I love the sheer joy on his face as he works on them. I wanted to preserve a little bit of that, so below is a sample of some of The Boy's latest works...

Pictured above, as described by The Boy: "Spiderman with the black alien and Venom fighting at night time", "All the fantastic four, and the thing is really big", "Superman is flying by the stars and the moon because he has powers and he can fly"

Pictured above, again with descriptions provided by The Boy: "This is Batman, Batgirl, Robin and Alfred, and the bat light is shining" "Captain America has his shield, he is really strong", "That's Iron Man, he's not being Toni Stark right now because he has his costume on so he can fly"

"Slow down and everything you are chasing will come around and catch you."

2008-07-10T15:55:00.000-07:00

Still continuing on with Sparkpeople's 31 Days to Less Stress. This calander could not have come at a better time for me, this month seems like nothing but stress right now!

Here are the tips I've been trying to focus on the last 5 days...

Get a massage.
Develop a mantra.
Sleep in.
Keep a journal.
Don't multitask.

I have to admit, I didn't do too good these last few days. I have been keeping a journal- lots of them actually (I'm a bit of a blog addict!) Sleeping in for me most days though, is simple getting up at 7:30 instead of 6:30- I know I definately do not get the amount of sleep my body needs!

I haven't gotten a massage, but That Guy and I once bought a book on massage basics, and we decided we were both going to review it a bit and try it out this weekend. It should be nice, a little quaility time together and a great stress reducer for both of us!

Giving up multi-tasking is an ongoing struggle. I really am trying to slow down and focus on just one thing at a time, but it seems like every day I have 3 days worth of stuff to do! As for the mantra- I guess that just isn't for me. I tried it, but it didn't help, it just made me feel silly!

Here are the 5 tips I am going to try and focus on July 11th-15th...

Experience aromatherapy. Certain scents can evoke a calm state of mind. Known relaxants
include lavender, chamomile, patchouli, rosemary and more. Try candles, incense, or air fresheners.
Try yoga. This form of exercise helps reconnect your mind and body in the present moment, decreasing stress and enhancing well-being. Try a class at a local studio, or a video in the privacy of your own home.
Plan something fun. Set aside time to participate in activities you enjoy on a regular basis. Plan a weekend trip, take a drawing class, or schedule a round of golf to take your mind off
things.
Accept imperfection. Be realistic--no one is perfect. Don't be afraid to ask for help, and
appreciate the outcome of your best efforts, even if it falls short of ideal.
Communicate openly. Holding in your thoughts and feelings about stressful situations like
your work, relationships or parenting won't help you deal with stress or find solutions. Open up to a good friend.

"What we have to learn to do, we learn by doing."

2008-07-09T17:31:00.000-07:00

"He demonstrates an inability to learn which cannot be explained by intellectual, sensory, or other health factors. [The Boy] exhibits a severe discrepency between his predicted and actual achievement, which is not correctable without special education services, and is demonstrated in mathematical calculation, mathematical reasoning, written expression, basic reading, and reading comprehension."

Yikes.

That was not a fun evaluation to read. At all. It was rather scary, in fact. I'm glad at least that they didn't just send it to me in the mail, but called me in for a meeting as well. I was able to read over the evaluation and then talk to several teachers to find out what it all means.

The basic summary is as follows. In most areas- The Boy is well within the average range- sometimes even above average. His health is fine- there is no hearing or vision problems that might negatively impact his learning. His IQ tests came back great- he is perfectly capable of learning. His speech showed a delay,but we knew that already. Heck, that's why we started this process in the first place- because we wanted him in speech classes again.

However, for some reason- he isn't learning. For example- he wasn't able to identify numbers and letters consistently enough to demonstrate a grasp on the subject. This seems very scary and overwhelming to That Guy and I.

I did leave the meeting feeling encouraged though. For one thing, we were concerened about The Boy being "labeled". Not that it is always a bad thing- but we've both seen kids that were given a label as having a learning disability, and then that student and many teachers used the label as an excuse almost- why push, why try, he's got a learning disability. We didn't want that for The Boy. We want him to know that he always has to try his best. We want teachers to try to challenge him, not to think that he is incapable.

What I was told though was that, at this age, there is no official "diagnosis" Basically, it's pretty hard to say a child has a learning diability when they have never been in a formal learning environment. What they are saying at this point in time is that The Boy is definately behind where he should be, and that he's going to need some extra work. End of story.

I was worried about how far behind he might be, because I do not feel that I am qualified to work with a special needs child. Most of what the teachers commented on though were his pre-math and pre-reading skills. These are areas that I can help him with. Heck, these are areas I am already working with him in on a regular basis. So I am confident that, with continued work at home and work at school, he will soon be caught up to his peers.

I was worried that The Boy might not be able to attend "normal" kindergarten. Again, nothing wrong with special education schools, but That Guy and I both felt that mainstreaming his education would be more beneficial. Luckily, the school agrees. The Boy will attend kindergarten, and just be pulled out during part of the day for some one-on-one work. Plus, he'll get his speech classes again.

I still can't help but feel like I've failed him somehow. I tried to make learning fun, to expose him to numbers and letters without resorting to drilling him with flashcards. I always thought parents who did that at a young age were being too pushy. And now I'm realizing that, for some kids, that type of work is most beneficial. By trying to help him learn through play, I've actually done a disservice. He focused solely on the play and didn't pick up the lessons I was trying to subtly interject.

So, from now on we're going to try it both ways. I will still try and find ways to work education into fun moments (ex: counting out loud when he's bouncing a ball) but we are also going to do more "formal" lessons as well. We started this in June already, so it won't be too hard. Now I just have to make sure I continue our lessons once we've gone through the alphabet (my origional plan was just to do the ABC's)

That Guy wants to be more involved as well, so we're going to look over some websites this weekend to come up with activities and lessons he can do with them. I'm really glad he wants to do that though. I was starting to feel very alone in all of this, so it's a relief that he wants to be more hands on.

"Only great minds can afford a simple style"

2008-07-09T07:23:00.001-07:00

Introducing The Girl's new fashion line- hand me down t-shirts from Mommy.

Potty training is a never ending battle in our house- sometimes The Girl does great for days at a time, and then it's a day of Mommy cleaning dirty underwear. I was at my wits end and That Guy and I were racking our brains trying to figure it out.

Then it hit me... The Girl has accidents when she wears pants or skirts. If she's running around the house in just her undies- or in undies and a t-shirt- she does just fine. But if I put pants or a skirt on her, suddenly she forgets how to dress and undress herself.

I have no idea why this is- but t-shirts are easy enough. I've given her several of my old t-shirts that she can wear- this way she can still go outside and play without having to worry about modesty.

Ok, sure, she looks like a little rag-a-muffin. And I am sure that I am going to get some odd looks from other parents when I take her to the playground behind our house dressed in a giant t-shirt and sandles. But it works! And right now, that's all that matters to me.

Besides- she's cute and confident enough to pull off a bold fashion statement.

"Give your stress wings and let it fly away"

2008-07-06T09:00:00.000-07:00

I thought I would continue with the Sparkpeople July Calander: 31 Days to Less Stress. I definately found the first 5 tips helpful. They were...

Reach out.
Work up a sweat.
Just breathe.
Hold hands.
Organize your life.

I really do think that trying to focus on those five things over the last week really helped me. I started talking more, to That Guy and to friends online, about my concerns with The Boy. I created a schedule with the lessons I wanted to do with the kids- and did a massive cleaning spree of the house to help me feel less overwhelmed by clutter and more organized. I've found that yes, for some reason, reaching my hand out to That Guy when I am stressed, and having him grab hold of it somehow made me feel a little more anchored. So did lots and lots of cuddling from the kids- and even The Dog!

I need to remember to do deep breathing exercises more though- I know it helps, I just don't often take the time to sit and breath. And I've known for awhile now that exercising makes me feel better- I just haven't been pushing myself as hard as I should lately. I need to really throw myself into a more challenging daily routine and see if that helps.

Anyway, here are the tips for July 6th-10th...

Get a massage. A professional massage can provide soothing, deep relaxation. As the tense muscles relax, so does your entire body, as well as your overstressed mind.
Develop a mantra. Does a particular word, phrase or quote help you calm down and relax?Make it your mantra. Write it, think it, and repeat it any time you feel stressed, impatient, or anxious.
Sleep in. Most adults need 7-8 hours of sleep each night. Staying wellrested keeps your mind (and body) healthy and better able to handle stressors. A good nap itself can even decrease tension!
Keep a journal. Expressing your feelings is a positive way to deal with stress, and journaling captures emotions as you experience them. Let it out, close the book, and get on with your day.
Don't multitask. With a lot to do in a little time, you might think it's efficient to multitask. Talk about stressful! He who chases two rabbits catches neither. Focus on one thing at a time for a better outcome.

"There is no problem so awful you can't add some guilt to it and make it even worse."

2008-07-02T23:57:00.000-07:00

Maybe not the best title quote considering my current state of mind, but I can't help but like it. Calvin and Hobbes always amused me, even the quotes of a more "serious" nature.

Right now I am so overwhelmed with everything- and stress levels are at an all time high. I keep reminding myself that I am going to focus on de-stressing. Im reminding myself to breathe. I'm forcing myself to do my workouts when that's the last thing I want to do right now. I'm trying to focus an organizing everything to get my life under control. But each time I feel like I am getting close, something new comes to tip the scales and upset the tentative balance I have going on.

First it was moving here, and then school, and then the prospect of no longer being a military family, then problems with That Guy. I'm not going to say I handled all of these things well, some of them I am still handling. Still, I felt like there was a routine, a plan in place- a way to move forward.

And now I have the school here telling me that my son's problems are worse than I ever realized. I knew he was delayed with his speech, I expected that. But after months of jumping though hoops and weeks of meetings, evaluations, classes, and testing- I get a call telling me that it's more than just a speech delay- The Boy is being diagnosed with a learning disability.

And I still don't have any answers. I won't find out until next week what disability they have discovered. All I know is that what I thought was a normal speech delay that even I had as a child is something more. And my son won't just be taking speech classes- he won't be attending "normal" kindergarten at all.

To top it all off, not only are they keeping me in the dark after months of jumping through hoops- they are not going to begin working with him until the end of August. So the "homeschooling" I started for fun in June is now being done in earnest. I'm no longer just trying to have a little bit of fun with The Boy and The Girl each day- I am having to spend hours each night searching the internet for whatever resources are available to me so I can help him.

I'm feeling massive amounts of guilt for mommy failures right about now. How is it that my son is five years old and I never realized how far behind he is? In the past 10 years I have gotten a total of 7 years of child care experience. I've studied early childhood development- but still somehow missed all the warning signs that my son was not developing normally? How could I have been so blind to all of it?

I am so sorry for him- that I have failed him- that I didn't see this- that I couldn't help him. I'm trying to remember to just keep breathing and take it a day at a time, but right now I'm having to take it a half hour at a time or I'll lose my mind.

"There must be quite a few things that a hot bath won't cure, but I don't know many of them"

2008-07-01T09:33:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about stress a lot, since I seem to be perpetually stressed out. And while browsing around Sparkpeople- I noticed that their motivational calander for July is 31 Days to Less Stress. Perfect timing!

So, I thought I would share their tips here 5 (or 6 for the last set) at a time- and then see how many I can do in the days that follow.

Reach out. Develop a network of friends and family who you can rely on and confide in. Call or visit them when you need to talk or vent. By sharing and listening, they will help you calm down.
Work up a sweat. Exercise is one of the best ways to de-stress. Pop in a workout video, hop on your bike or grab your jump rope. Picture the stress leaving you body through your pores and let it go.
Just breathe. When a stressful situation arises breathe in and out slowly and deeply for 10 full breaths. Exhaling slowly decreases your heart rate and calms the body, helping reduce stress.
Hold hands. A recent study published in Psychological Science found that hand-holding calms the body's reaction to stress. So grab the hand of a friend or loved on whether you're sitting on the couch or taking a walk.
Organize your life. De-stress your mind by de-cluttering. Clear off your desk, clear out your coset, utilize a planner and donate items you don't use. You'll be more relaxed and ready to tackle other issues.

"He who is brave is free"

2008-06-27T21:42:00.000-07:00

Just a short, shameless bragging post tonight.

When I sent the boy to his room to get his pajamas on before coming to my room for a story before bed- I was a little surprised to see him bring not only a book, but his night-light as well. I figured the bulb had died, and I was franctically trying to remember if I had bought more. Instead, he surprised me by offering it to me and saying "I am ready to be brave in the dark"

I am very proud of him, and also sad. Yet another sign that I don't have my baby anymore. He no longer drags teddy bear along with him everywhere, he is beginning school in just over a month, and now he no longer needs his night light to sleep. My baby is turning into a little boy!

Somebody make it stop!

"I don't have pet peeves. I have whole kennels of irritation."

2008-06-23T19:46:00.000-07:00

Today is just one of those days. Everything under the sun is irritating me. So I figured it would be better to vent about it here than to take it out on my family.

It annoys me to no end that it is more expensive to eat healthy foods than to eat junk. Whether it's going out to eat, grabbing fast food, or even at the grocery store for the most part. Healthy meals cost more in general than stocking up on junk food. I hate that if we are out and about and stop to get fast food somewhere- it costs me more to substitute water for soda, more to substitute salad or fruit for fries- more for the grilled sanwhiches than for something deep fried and terrible for me.
I hate, hate, HATE the weather here in Vegas! I can't even take The Boy and The Girl outside most days- they get so hot and uncomfortable within 5 minutes that it's not even worth it. Plus, it's too hot for them to run, the playground equiptment burns them, and they are dehydrated or sunburned within minutes.
It annoys me to the point of wanting to pull my own hair out that The Boy and The Girl have a knack for needing something the very second that I sit down. If I fix their breakfast, and then mine- the second I sit down, The Girl is out of milk, or The Boy wants a second helping. If I have been cleaning for an hour, they are content to play. The second I sit down to take a break- they are bored and want something to do.
I hate that The Puppy chooses to go into whichever room I have just finished cleaning to promptly pee on the floor. Or that she will climb into a basket of clean, folded clothes, covering them with hair and dog smell and making them unwearable.
I find it incrediably annoying that, instead of another adult in the house, it mostly feels like I have a third child. I am the one that washes That Guys clothes for him, makes sure he empties out his gym bag, makes sure that he has razor blades, deoderant, soap, etc... I cook all his meals and pack his lunches, I even log his calories for him. I clean up after him since he is apparently incapable of putting something away once he has used it. Seriously, sometimes I think The Boy and The Girl help me more around this house than That Guy does!
I cannot stand it when people become self-proclaimed pretentious experts. Yes, there are people who know quite a bit about certain subjects. And yes, an avid interest in a subject probably means that the person is more knowledgeable than the average layperson. But once they lable themselves as an "expert" they suddenly become so pretentious that any conversation with them is unbearable.
I find it irritating when people try to deliberately provoke negative attention or stir up drama. I also find them to be very sad and amusing individuals. I alternate between pitying them, wanting to laugh at them, and being so annoyed that I would gladly smash their face with a mallet.
I hate it when people underestimate me, and assume that I am clueless. Especially when I know for a fact that they are sitting there, looking at me, and talking to me like I have no idea what is going on.

"Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance."

2008-06-12T20:17:00.000-07:00

The Boy and The Girl love to dance. And I love to watch them. Partly because I am a mean, mean mommy, and I get quite a bit of amusement at watching them. And partly because it's so fun for them- and they don't care that Mommy is giggling on the couch- they are going to jump and twirl and spin around the living room until they cannot stand anymore. After a brief break lying on the floor, they will get up and begin again. How fun it is to be so young!

"Your imagination, my dear fellow, is worth more than you imgaine"

2008-06-07T16:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday The Boy donned a pair of khaki pants, his dress shirt, and That Guy's desert hat. He then proudly informed me that he was Indiana Jones

I have to say, I am absolutely in love with his creative and imaginative nature. He has a lot of costumes- super hero's, pirates, a karate outfit- and he wears them frequently to act out teh stories in his head. More fascinating to me though, are the days like yesterday- when he takes ordinary clothes to become someone new.

Give The Boy some yarn, and suddenly he is Spiderman, shooting webs all over the house.

Give The Boy a red winter jacket, and he can transform into Iron Man with a moments notice.

Give The Boy a Batman cape and That Guy's hat- and he has become ZorroGive The Boy a green t-shirt and some ordinary camo shorts- and he has become Daddy.

Give The Boy a robe belt, That Guy's belt, a toy gun and the pieces to a connect 4 game and he becomes... ok, well, I'll admit- I don't get this one either!

It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy

2008-06-03T19:32:00.001-07:00

I tend to dwell on the things in life that I don't like. I don't like living in Las Vegas, I don't like not having a job, I don't like that I never finished school - on, and on, and on. There comes a time when even I am sick of my own attitude- and I hate to imagine what the people around me must feel!

Every now and then, though, my kids remind me that there is so much in life to be happy about. Yesterday they had so much fun painting, that today I decided to think of something else fun to do with them. I decided on an outdoor photo shoot- for several reasons. One- they love to play outside. Two- I love to take pictures. Three- we haven't had "portraits" done since December. So I got the kids dressed and we traipsed outside to enjoy the sunshine for a little while.

I'd say that photography is pretty much my only hobby- although recently I acquired photoshop, so picture editing has been fun to learn as well. Sometimes I daydream about pursuing photography as more than just a hobby- but it's hard to justify taking pictures when I am still paying for an (incomplete) paralegal degree! So for now it's just something I enjoy when my kids are willing to be subjects.

They were, surprisingly, very cooperative today. I think because they got to be outside for it. The sun was shining, some flowers blooming, and they were able to explore an area they normally don't play in. The Boy is my best portrait subject- he'll sit still where ever I ask and smile- although his forced smiles are sometimes more comical than beautiful. It usually takes teasing him to get him to relax enough for me to see the real him.

The Girl is more of a challenge- she hasn't been still since the day she first learned to crawl. But it's fun to try and capture her in the moments that make her who she is- on the move, exploring, curious, and thoroughly in love with life.

Today was just a good day- for them, and for me. It was nice to step back and stop stressing out about business law, paying the bills, finding a job, etc... and just play in the sun for awhile. It was nice to finally be able to recognize what makes me happy- and to spend one spectacular afternoon running around outside with them.

I am an artist. I am here to live outloud.

2008-06-02T17:13:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since we had art time in this house- so I pulled out the paints and papers this aftenoon. I'm very glad that I did, The Boy and The Girl had a blast. The art bug pops up every now and then in our family.

My grandfather was an artist- a painter, to be exact. You won't find his works in museums, but several of them are proudly displayed in our home. When we would visit my grandparents in the summer- I used to love to go out to his workshop and examine the paintings he had- so many of them- some just stacked on a shelf or in a corner- a few framed and hung in the house. My mother had quite a few of them herself- at least one hanging in every room of the house.

As a child, I used to dream that I could one day be an artist like my grandfather. Unfortunantly, I didn't have the required skill. I enjoyed taking art classes though. In high school I frequently skipped classes- and would show up in the art room, either to work on the pottery wheel or on a painting. Our high school had a fantastic art teacher-an amazing woman who always encouraged my efforts, but never sugar-coated her opinions!

One of my sisters did inherit quite a bit of talent. If my grandfather was still with us, I am sure he would be very proud of her. She's actually studying art restoration in school right now- and has had the opportunity to work in several great internships. Last I heard from her she has a summer filled with either summer school (she is hoping to graduate early) or internships in different parts of the country- very exciting stuff for her. It kind of makes me jealous, to be honest. I am very proud of her, but part of me wishes that I had gotten that talent as well.

Whether the artistic gift has been passed along to my children has yet to be determined. I, of course, am a great admirer of their work- to me it's sheer brilliance. The rest of the world hasn't been impressed yet. I will say though, that I hope their enthusiasm for creating continues- even if they don't possess great talent. Whether they paint like my grandfather, appreciate like my sister, or just dabble, as That Guy and I do- I want them to continue to find joy in creating something- to put their mark on the world in some way.

I could, however, do without The Girl putting her mark on my walls- but that's another matter all together.

"A house without books is like a room without windows"

2008-05-31T11:51:00.000-07:00

My children have always loved being read to, and have lately developed a fondness for "reading" on their own. Neither one quite knows how, but they are both starting to identify some letters and how they go together.

Their great desire to read kind of snuck up on me- struck me out of no where. It started as a delaying tactic- The Girl refusing to go to bed without Mommy reading at least three stories. The Boy going to his room at bedtime, and sitting in his little chair next to the night light, with a book on his lap.

Lately I have noticed them "reading" more and more though, bringing books into the playroom and pouring over them together. Passing them back and forth- taking turns puzzling out letters in Curious George, Dr. Seuss, and the Bernenstein Bears. Turning to books as a way to understand or relive a new experience.

When The Girl had her three year well-child check up, The Boy proudly brought her The Berenstein Bears "Go To The Doctor" to read in the car on the way there. When we come in from riding bikes outside- The Boy sits down with "Curious George Rides a Bike". And yesterday, after finding a spider who had wandered into the kitchen, The Girl brought me "The Very Busy Spider" to read.

I'm finding myself fascinated by their fascination- and thinking back to days gone by. As a child I was quite the voracious reader myself. I remember signing up for the "Book It" program at our local library every summer- and checking out just about every book that was available. When the school reading lists would come out- I would read not just the required books, but also the recommended books, and also anything else any of those authors had written.

While my classmates were complaining about reading "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe"- I was devouring the other six books in the Chronicles of Narnia. I had some teachers who fed my addiction to the written word- suggestion authors and books to me each Friday to read over the weekend. I had other teachers who hated it- issuing demerits each time they found me reading a book for pleasure instead of the chemistry notes I was supposed to be reveiwing for an upcoming exam.

A love of literature was one of the reasons That Guy and I got along so well. The first two years of our relationship was marked by a new book on each gift giving occasion- poetry, short stories, biographies, novels, everything from the great classics to the more modern, and even the occasional children's book.

I was thinking about all of this today when I was cleaning the house. I realized that our bookshelf is now just gathering dust- and has become a "holding pen" for random clutter. A box of pens, the bills that need to be filed away, cigar boxes (That Guy has taken up building cigar box guitars), and toys that the kids have left downstairs and The Puppy has chewed on.

And I realized that we just don't read any more. Sure, I read my school books- message boards, articles online and in the paper. I occasionally pick up a parenting book or a self-help book, the occasional romance novel (my guilty pleasure) and, of course, children's books. But I can't remember the last time I sat down to really read something- just because I wanted to- and completely lost myself in it.

I love that my children are so fascinated by the written word- and I hope that they don't "grow out" of it, as I seem to have done.

"Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow"

2008-05-08T08:13:00.000-07:00

This quote made me smile, so it seemed like a good choice. We certainly have more than enough sunshine to look towards!

I've been a bit of a slacker with my blog- and I am sorry about that. Mostly because The Girl didn't get an entry celebrating the joy of three years here with us. So here it is...

One of the traditions my mother started for us as children was "birthday donuts"- something I have really enjoyed passing down to my own kids. The Girl, however, was a little bit unsure as to why I would want to set her donut on fire!

She had a pretty good birthday, and was spoiled rotten by grandparents, aunts, uncles, and even her great-aunt. She was most excited about her "three year old bike". And that's what we have to call it, too. If I refer to it as her tricylce, or her bike she will correct me and say "No, Mommy, Im 3. That's my 3 year old bike"

I think that this, however, was her favorite part of the entire day. And yes, I know it's not a very pretty cake. But, to The Girl, it was the most spectacular cake ever. Because she picked every part of it. We went to the store and she selected her cake icing and decorations, even the candles. That day she helped me make the batter (from scratch, for the first time ever!) and when the cake was finished baking and cooling, she helped me spread the icing and decorate every last inch of the thing. It certainly isn't going to win me any baking awards. But The Girl was so thrilled to be included in the baking process that I think it's my best cake yet.

And she seemed to agree!

The rest of the month was a bunch of ups and downs for us. We got to go on our first every family camping trip, which was great. The campsite was too small, we were too close to some drunken rednecks who woke up up at 3 in the morning, and we had to sleep with one hand on the dogs leash to keep her from wandering around peeing in the tent. But it was still great. For a first attempt- it certainly could have been worse, and we are definately looking forward to trying it again. I was so happy that the kids enjoyed camping that all the little imperfections about our trip didn't matter- it was great just knowing that I could share that with them!

Things right now are a little strained. That Guy, The Boy, and The Girl have all been sick (in shifts, apparently) since Sunday night. And I am going stir-crazy staying home all the time. Not just right now, because that's understandable. I want out of the house, and I want a job!

I went and applied at the daycare that is opened near our house- but I declined the job that was offered after I took some time to look at the costs involved. They want $150 a week for The Boy, and $160 a week for the girl. They also told me that, in spite of having more than 7 years of childcare experience, I will still be starting out at just $8 an hour. So, even if I got a guranteed 40 hours a week (and without even taking taxes into consideration) I would never make more than $320- and $310 of that would go straight back into the daycare to pay tuition! Definately not worth it!

So now That Guy and I are looking at sending the kids and I home in August, to get The Boy enrolled in school, and give me a chance to find a job and a place for us to live, get everything set up and established so that, come October (when That Guy is officially out of the military) things are already in place.

I don't really want to do a voluntary 2 months away from one another, but all in all it seems like it would be for the best. The cost of living is ridiculous out here, and I know I can find better jobs back in MS (I've had several opportunities discussed with me already). Plus, if I get a job before That Guy is out of the military, we won't have to worry during the time that That Guy is also job hunting, we will always have at least one income.

So hopefully this is the right solution for us. I'm definately looking for the silver lining or, as my title suggests, the sunshine, to keep from dwelling on the things that could possibly go wrong in the future.

"The absense of flaw in beauty is itself a flaw."

2008-04-10T13:40:00.000-07:00

It's time that I teach my little girl that beauty is only skin deep- and that appearances are not the most important thing. Not because she's a vain child- quite the opposite actually. The Girl will argue with me if I tell her she is cute, beautiful, pretty, or gorgeous. "I am not gor-us- I'm The Girl!"

So, with a child so lacking in vanity- you might wonder why I feel it is important to teach her the un-importance of looks. The reason is- I cut her hair.

:::hangs head in shame:::

Her bangs had gotten so long that she could barely see- and yesterday I picked up a pair of scissors to trim them for her. Except that, apparently, I have absolutely NO talent with a pair of scissors.

The Girl sat on the bathroom floor in tears as I tormented her. She held her locks of hair in her hands and pleaded with me to re-attach them to her head. She looked at me with big, tear filled eyes and informed me "you made me so sad Mommy". And when she realized that the damage was done, her hair would not be put back in place, she stormed out of the room, slamming doors behind her shouting "It's not nice to cut my hair! Cut your OWN hair!!"

A new pair of earrings cheered her up- and she now seems to be over it. But I have sworn to never attempt another haircut on a child of mine!

"The most exciting and encouraging truth in life is that we can become someone new. We never have to settle for who we are."

2008-04-06T09:02:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about goals lately- where I am and where I want to be. And I've decided to put them on "paper" (kind of!) as a reminder to myself of where I want to be. I'm hoping that writing them out and putting them "out there" will serve not only as a reminder, but as a form of accountability.

Within the Next 6 Months:

Complete my second semester of school, and begin my third semester
Find a job without settling on my fall-back plan
Reach and maintain my goal weight
Introduce my children to camping!
Create (and follow through with!) a chore system for both children
Read at least one book a month for pleasure (suggestions??)
Take up cross-stitching again
Quit smoking

Within the Next 12 Months:

Complete my associates degree
Find a new hobby that my husband and I can enjoy together
Learn to cook at least one fabulous dessert!
Change the spelling of The Boy's first name
Correct the spelling of The Girl's name on her social-security card!
Learn to drive a stick-shift
Visit my aunt in New Jersey
Start a college savings fund for both children
Find an organization to volunteer with, and involve the children in volunteering as well
Keep in touch with friends

I suppose that's it for now. I don't want to make huge plans for the distant future. But I think every month or so I will re-evaluate where I am and where I want to be. Hopefully by focusing on what my goals are, I will stop feeling sorry for myself that I have't reached them yet!

Editing to add that, in the spirit of focusing on my goals, I have created a secondary blog for my weight-loss, healthier lifestyle journey: Mommy in Motion

"A hobby is only fun if you do not have time to do it."

2008-03-19T09:11:00.000-07:00

I have decided that I need a hobby. Ok, not quite- I suppose I do have a lot of them. My obsession with names could be considered a hobby. Running and other exercise could be a hobby too. Taking pictures is definately a hobby. And occasionally I get the motivation to work on my kids scrapbooks. So really, there are things that I enjoy doing and make time for.

So why do I think I need something else? Because my kids apparently think I am very boring.

Last night the kids were drawing pictures. The Boy drew several. One of That Guy's guitar. One of That Guy's video game machines. One of That Guy sitting in his chair and reading.

The Girl drew several pictures too. All of them of the kitchen. "Look Mommy, I drew your kitchen." Sigh.

The kids look at That Guy and see all the fun things he has time to do. They look at me and see me cooking dinner. Too bad I don't enjoy cooking enough to make that a hobby!

Birthdays are natures way of telling us to eat more cake"

2008-03-18T13:48:00.000-07:00

This better be the best birthday cake that The Boy has ever had- because it was quite an ordeal to get the damn thing!

I decided that order a cake from Walmart this year, for two reasons. 1) I really wanted the boy to have a special cake- and I have no talent for decorating. 2) I thought it would be a lot simpler- one less thing on my to-do list.

So we went to Walmart on Sunday and ordered a cake to be picked up on Saturday. One full week- easy enough. We go on Saturday to pick up his cake and we were told that they didn't have it, and we had to wait until the cake decorator got off her break to talk to her. 20 minutes later, she tells me that they made his cake, and gave it to someone else. Why? Because there were three Sam's this week. Nevermind the fact that the boy's name is NOT Sam!

Several minutes spent arguing with her about how this is not my fault or my problem, it's their fault and their problem and she agrees to make another cake. Which she then decided to charge me full price for.

Several more minutes waiting for a manager so we can explain the situation to him, and the cake is discounted 50% (so it's now $8) and we are given a $10 gift card. So basically, a free cake and $2!

Other than the Ninja Turtle Cake Fiasco of 2008- The Boy had a fantastic 5th birthday! And I am completely beside myself trying to figure out how on earth my baby turned into a 5 year old. When did this happen?!

The 5th year is turning into quite an active one for the boy, and I am pretty excited about that! For starters- The Boy got a new bike- which he is absolutely thrilled about! He's been riding it every day since Saturday. I'm happy about this too, since it means I only have to put one child in the trailer for my bike- so less work for me!

There is also a Kids Karate place opening up about half a mile from our house, and That Guy and I decided to sign The Boy up for karate classes. He's pretty excited about it, and I think it will be a good experience for him. It will teach him a little discpline, how to listen, and give him a chance to play with other children. And burning off some of the excess 5 year old energy is a nice bonus!

Plus- we are now living in an area where there is actually sunshine in spring! After four years in England- I'm kind of amazed! We've been taking advantage of this great weather to do a lot of outdoor things- like rock climbing and hiking. We're planning a camping trip soon too.

I'm really excited about all of this. I love seeing the new things that The Boy is interested in and can do- and I'm really thrilled that so many of his interests are active, healthy things. Maybe I'm a good influence after all!

"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."

2008-03-07T13:30:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was just one of those days. Or, last night was. And even though the stress from things going on with That Guy and I contributed it, really it was not his fault.

The Girl is still potty training. And while I was cooking dinner, she decided that it would be a grand idea to poop on the floor. So I leave the kitchen to go clean the floor. While I am doing this, The Boy informs me that The Dog has peed in his room. Since I needed to let the carpet cleaner set, I left that to go clean his room.

While I was in his room cleaning, The Girl decided to try and drink the carpet cleaner! I have no idea how much she got in her, but I freaked out! I called the ER, and they gave me the number for Poison Control. I got an recorded message from poison control (what the hell???) and a different number to call. So I call this other number and it's an adult sex line (again, what the hell?!?!?!)

So That Guy comes upstairs to help me get The Girl into the tub and starts looking for information online on what to do- when the smoke detector goes off. Yep, dinner is burning. At this point I pretty much had a complete and total breakdown.

After everything has calmed down, dinner has been salvaged as much as possible, The Girl has had as much water to drink as we could force into her to flush it out of her system, and the kids are fed and put to bed- I went outside for a cigarette.

That Guy comes out to join me and askes "what's wrong?" at which point I lost it again. I told him I couldn't handle my classes (contracts are boring!), I couldn't handle the kids making a mess every time I turn around, I couldn't handle The Girl's potty training accidents, I feel isolated and alone with no car, no job, no friends in the area, and all the stress of our problems.

So That Guy and I sat down and talked for a little bit. He did tell me some things, which was a step in the right direction at least. He wasn't 100% honest though (and I knew he was lying still) I wanted to just scream at him "You're lying! I have proof!" but knew that it might ruin our tentative bit of progress. So, instead, I said nothing. No accusations- just... nothing.

I keep trying to give him opportunities to discuss this with me, to show me he wants things to work by being honest. He gaves me small crumbs of honesty- tells me the truth about the things he knows I already know about. But the things he thinks he has successfully hidden from me he tries to keep a secret.

I know it's a good thing that he is at least willing to talk a little bit. I just wish we could lay it all out in the open and begin to find a way to work through this. But I don't want to be the one who forces the truth to come out. I want him to realize that now is the time when he needs to be honest and make that move. I want him to want to be honest with me.

So, I will continue to try and provide opportunities for open and direct communication. And I will continue to wait for him to make the effort to be honest. Until then, I will continue to say nothing.

"To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are."

2008-03-06T11:40:00.000-08:00

I know that what That Guy has done is not my fault. I know better than to blame myself, that his actions are his alone. I tell myself this. Others tell me this. It doesn't seem to help.

I find myself wishing almost daily that I was someone else. That I was someone better. More deserving.

I turn a critical eye inward, trying to discover the faults that have made That Guy feel like I deserve this treatment. What is wrong with me that he feels I do not deserve better? Surely there is something wrong with me. And, in a twisted way- I sometimes wish that this was my fault. If there was something I had done wrong, I could fix it. I could make all of this better if I could just change who I am.

The problem is, I have changed. Repeatedly. I've tried time and time again to become who I think That Guy wants me to be. To be the type of person he says he wants. I feel like I haven't tried hard enough. Because no matter what I do, it's never enough.

I find myself wondering throughout the day, am I not attractive enough? Has having children "ruined" me? Am I not adventurous enough? Should I be open to more things? Should I stop putting my foot down on things that I absolutely do not want to do? Would it help if I just ignored the things that bother me? Are my expectations too high?

In my mind, I know the answer to these questions is "no". But my heart still aches thinking about them. And I still wish there was something I could do- some action or word that would make That Guy magically appreciate me more, respect me more, love me more. And it kills me that there is nothing to do.

That Guy has to want to change. And I have a sinking feeling that he will never want to. I might be wasting who I am and my entire life just waiting for him to come around.

"Betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope."

2008-03-04T10:40:00.000-08:00

I have a feeling my blog is going to turn into one bitter rant after another for a while. I wish I could think of better things to blog about, but right now I need this as a place to grapple with my emotions. It's either this, or explode and destroy the tentative truce in our home right now.

I have never been so hurt as I am right now. Even during the lowest points in my life, when I thought daily about ending my life, cut myself with razor blades and burned my skin with ciagarettes, I never was this distressed. My problems before were all internal, but to have someone outside of myself twisting the knife makes it sting that much more.

I haven't been able to eat these past few days, and it's hard to sleep. I've actually been crying myself to sleep each night, although That Guy doesn't seem to be affected in the same way. Since our blow up on Sunday, he has gone about business as usual, acting like there is nothing out of the ordinary, as if life can just go back to how it was before. I'm sure that's my fault.

In the past I've always forgiven him. When faced with his shortcomings as a husband, his faults, his mistakes, I've always redoubled my efforts to change ME. I've tried time and time again to be someone better, someone he can love. Someone that can keep him happy. I've compromised, I've overlooked things, I've made every effort to be who he wants me to be. There's nothing left. Each concession I've made has just resulted in him wanting more. My pride and self-respect slipped out of my grasp a long time ago.

I've been waivering between being angry at him, feeling sorry for myself, and blaming myself for the past few days. Logically, I know that I haven't done anything wrong. But emotionally I can't understand why I am not good enough, what I've done wrong that makes him act the way he does. I've begun to hate the woman I see in the mirror. She's weak. She's pathetic. She's lacking.

I actually began researching divorce laws in our area yesterday. Of course, I want to try counseling first, but if That Guy doesn't want to change, no amount of counseling is going to make him. I never imagined that I would want a divorce, but I cannot imagine staying in a marriage that makes me so miserable. Somewhere, deep inside, there is a part of me that deserves better.

I want to hold out hope that things can get better. Hope seems to be dangling right outside my grasp right now.

"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."

2008-03-03T07:46:00.001-08:00

That Guy and I have hit a bit of a rough patch. I would love to be able to say I am shocked, that I never imagined anything could come along and disrupt our happy little union. That would be a lie of course, and one thing I cannot abide is lying. Even lying to myself.

At this point, I'm kind of at a loss for what to do. It's not a new problem, it's a very old one that we've been struggling with for 5 1/2 years now. Each time it comes up we fight. I yell at him, he yells at me, he gets angry because I am upset, I get angry because he doesn't understand why I'm upset, more yelling, some crying, and a promise to work harder.

Frankly, I'm sick of it. That Guy doesn't understand why I am drawing lines in the sand right now- he feels that this sort of thing "always works out" But it doesn't. We always fight, he always says he sees how I feel and promises to work on things, and inevitably I discover that he's still lying to me. That doesn't fix anything.

So my imaginary lines have been drawn. In the past I have asked for counseling. Now I have told him that we will go to counseling. Not "will you go" but "you will go" Because it's time to try something different.

Now I'm kind of nervous about the whole thing. I don't know what to expect, I don't know what the counselor will say. I don't know if That Guy will blame me for everything, and resent me for insisting on this. But I've got to try. I might not be able to control the journey, but hopefully I can change the course.

"Assumptions allow the best in life to pass you by."

2008-02-28T09:02:00.000-08:00

I was reading a friends post today, about giving in to an Elmo infatuation, and it definately raised some "been there, done that" sort of feelings.

I remember all the things I used to swear up and down I would do or not do, before I had kids. Because I knew exactly what kind of parent I was going to be. And then my kids came along and messed up my well laid plans. And honestly, it worked out for the best.

The Things I Was (Happily) Wrong About

Our children were NEVER going to sleep in our bed. Absolutely positively not gonna happen. And that lasted about 4 nights. The Boy and The Girl each had their own cribs in their own rooms, but many, many nights they wound up in our bed anyway. It wasn't my intention but, for the most part I loved it. Actually- I loved co-sleeping with The Boy. He was a cuddler. The Girl was a kicker and squirmer, so I wasn't too sad the nights she stayed in her own room. Sleeping with us did not spoil them, like I had feared. It also did not make it impossible to teach them to fall asleep on their own, or to sleep in their own rooms.

Nap time for The Boy and That Guy

I was going to follow whatever advice the pediatrician gave me. After all, he's a Dr, and he went to school- so he will obviously know when the best time to vaccinate and start baby food is, as well as what the feed them. And then I did some research on my own. And I decided to alter the vax schedule to fit our family's needs (The Girls propensity towards febrile seizures made me decide not to do combination shots that would increase her chances of a fever), I decided to make my own baby food and wait until 6 months to start solids, and I realized that sometimes Drs will blow off a mom with a young child just because they assume she's overreacting. I've learned to not take a "Some kids just talk later, its no big deal" or "All kids get fevers, take her home and give her some tylenol" as final- to keep pushing until I get my kids the help they need. I never thought I would question the advice of a Dr, or dare to presume that I might know better- but I'm glad I did.The Girl enjoying some mashed peas- much better than the jarred stuff!

I was not going to push BOY STUFF on my son. Boys can like more than cars and superheros after all. In my desire to give him more well-rounded insterests, I attempted to avoid these things all together. That changed when he was about 18 months old, and That Guy was watching Spiderman. The Boy came into the room and he was hooked! Letting him play with swords, and cars, and superheroes didn't turn him into some macho jerk. He's still a sweet and loving kid, he's just a sweet and loving kid who occasionally leaps from the couch.

The first superhero costume, 2 1/2 years old

Likewise, I was not going to push GIRL STUFF on my daughter. I looked with disdain on mothers who dressed their girls head to toe in princess things. Until I had The Girl- and she somehow managed to develop a love for all things princess anyway. And I couldn't deny her that if the world depended on it. Letting her play with princess things didn't turn her into a priss, or a "girly girl", which I was afraid of because I don't know how to be a girly girl with her. Yes, she loves to dress up in frilly dresses sometimes, but generally she is still running around like a maniac- she's just doing it wearing lace and tulleThe first princess dress, 2 1/2

I'm sure there's more, but it's nto coming to mind right now. But I have been wrong about many, many things as a parent. And Most of those things I am happy to admit were ridiculous assumptions to have.

"We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret."

2008-02-25T22:59:00.000-08:00

I'm sensing the start of a backwards slide, and I am trying to nip it in the bud before it becomes unmanageable.

Since Sept 2006 (yes, that long ago) I have been trying to lose weight. I get on the right path, I have a ton of discipline and commitment, and I work hard. I get close to where I want to be and then I give up and undo all my progress.

Or, more recently, I get on the right path, and I have one bad day, which turns into two days, and then a week, and then a month has gone by again.

I've had two bad days now. I don't want tomorrow to be the third. So rather than deal with regret a month from now, I'm searching for my discipline now.

I work better when I am organized and in control, which I thought I was. I looked for all the support groups. I have sparkpeople and a weight loss board. I have two sub-groups within that board that I can turn to for support. But right now it's not enough.

So I am making a "TO DO" list for tomorrow. And when I get online with my coffee tomorrow morning, I will see it, and hopefully that will be the kick in the pants I need.

Memo to Myself...

Drink water! It's not hard, it's fairly simple even. 3 water bottles will give you more than enough. So put down the coffee cup and grab a water bottle!
Make a daily meal plan. Counting calories is great, but it works even better when you plan out the meals ahead of time, instead of lamenting how many calories are in that slice of pizza after you eat it.
Cardio! You made a commitment to 100 cardio minutes this week. You've done 20. Time is running out, so get moving!
You know those exercise DVD's that you spent good money on? That you justified the cost of because of how convenient it is to have a workout you can do at home? They haven't been unpacked yet. Dig them out of the box in the garage and put one in today!

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."

2008-02-25T13:04:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we added a beagle puppy to our family (and in my blog tradition, she is henceforth known as The Dog). This is a decision we've been thinking about for awhile now. That Guy and I did a lot of research, trying to find the right breed of dog for our family. We needed a dog with enough energy to keep us on our toes, a dog that would be playul with the children, and a dog that would be small enough that our landlord could not refuse to allow it.

We narrowed the field down to two breeds, the Jack Russell, and the Beagle. And then we began our search. Over the last month, we had gone to Petsmart and Petco a grand total of 27 times. Having made our decision, we were not going to jump into anything- knowing that in order to find the right dog for our family we would have to say "no" to quite a few adorable doggy faces just begging to be adopted and go home with us.

In the end, we finally found The Dog. And she's already crawled into our hearts and become a member of the family. The Boy and The Girl are fascinated with her, spending hours crawling around on the floor with her and wrestling, playing, and tugging on toys.

That Guy insists that he be the one who feeds her each day. He's already afraid that she won't bond with him since he's at work all day, so he wants her to associate his presence with food (and thus love him above all others)

As for me, she's already become my quiet companion, my lap warmer, and my study partner. She stayed up with me last night keeping me company as I read up on business torts, copyright laws, and trademark dilution. She was my sounding board as I tested my memory of key definitions, and she didn't look at me like I was crazy when I went into a rant about the unfairness of finishing a class on torts only to discover the same information being covered again in another textbook.

All in all, The Dog seems to be fitting in just fine.

"Never judge a man's actions until you know his motives."

2008-02-21T11:51:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about this since yesterday. I made a comment on a friends blog about being green, doing things that are good for the environment. However, I do these things, not neccesarily because they are good for the world at large (although that's a nice bonus) but because they are good for me. Or, more specifically, good for my bank account.

That Guy teases me that I am turning into a hippy, because I insist on unplugging appliances that are not being used, using rags instead of paper towels, cotton training pants instead of pulls ups, paying our bills online instead of through the mail, etc... But unplugging appliances cuts down on the electric bill, rags and training pants cut down on shopping expenses, and online bill paying saves me money on postage. So really, I'm just kind of selfish in a way. Does doing a good thing for the wrong reasons still count as doing something good?

I suppose that John Mills would say it's still ok, since his philosphy was that the moral worth of an action is judged by it's contribution to the whole. So the ends justify the means. I guess all my study of utilitarianism in high school debate has affected my adult life afterall. And I would love to think that he's right.

Of course, if I go back to the philosophers I read about in high school- I can picture Immanuel Kant wagging his finger at me and saying "for shame". A wrong thing is always a wrong thing, and a selfish action is always selfish. And he's an easy person to imagine glaring at you in a shaming sort of way anyway.
I would love to be able to lable myself as a utilitarian sort of person, and think that it doesn't matter why I do something, as long as it works out in the end. But looking at this as a parent, I wonder if this is going to rub off on my children in a negative way.

After reading that post, I caught myself saying the following things...

"If you want to go outside to play, you need to clean your room first.
"Eat all of your spinach if you want to watch a movie before bed."
"If you wash your hair without screaming you can take a bath in mommy's tub."
"Stop teasing your sister or we're not going to play Candy Land anymore."

All the things I wanted them to do, clean their rooms, eat their vegetables, wash their hair, and not tease one another were good things to do. But they did those good things to get something they wanted, a trip to the playground, a movie, a bath in the "big" tub, a chance to play a game.

Shouldn't I be teaching them to do the right thing because it's the right thing, instead of to get a reward (or avoid a punishment) Is it even reasonable to expect children that are 2 & 4 (almost 3 & almost 5) to do something just because it's right? Or are all good actions motivated by a little bit of selfishness anyway?

"The roots of education are bitter, but the fruits are sweet."

2008-02-20T11:06:00.000-08:00

That Aristotle guy sure knew what he was talking about.

My education has been traveling along at a snails pace lately. Not because I don't want to do it, but simply because it's hard to find the right time to study.

I try studying first thing in the morning- only to be interrupted by The Boy waking up and coming into my room complaining "Mommyyyyy, I'm hungryyyyy." So the textbooks get set aside and I begin my roll as Mommy for the day.

I try studying when the kids are watching Curious George (a staple in this house!) only to be interrupted by The Girl announcing "Mommyyyyy, I need to go pottyyyyyy." So the textbooks get set aside and I go to turn on the light in the bathroom (because apparently The Girl cannot go potty in the dark, or without a formal announcement)

I try studying when the kids are having their lunch, only to be interrupted by The Boy running up to tell me "The Girl spilled her milk!" or The Girl tugging on my arm to tell me "The Boy won't share his apples." So the textbooks get set aside while I clean up spills, give second helpings, and remind The Girl that the boy is under no obligation to give her any part of his lunch.

I try studying in my room while the kids are playing upstairs-and I discover to my amazement that they are having too much fun to come knocking on my door. But their little feet do not pitter-patter down the hallway, they stomp along like a herd of wild elephants. Their little voices are not sweet and playful- they are screaching like banshees. And when there is a moment of quiet- Mommy instinct kicks in. The Boy and The Girl are never quiet. What does this mean? So the textbooks are put aside so that I can investigate the reasons for the sudden calm.

Now, reasonably I realize that being a student and a mom do not always peacefully co-exist. And I do not blame my children for my innability to find a few moments of peace and quiet during the day. They are, after all, doing exactly what they should be doing.

So now I leave my textbooks on the shelf until around 10pm, and then I sneak downstairs and make a pot of coffee. I give up a few hours of extra sleep in order to spend time with them during the day and still manage to study as much as I should. It's not easy. Aristotle's use of the word "bitter" certainly applies.

But it's worth it. To have 2-3 hours of uninterrupted quiet is completely worth it. To complete an examination or a project and know that I didn't make any careless mistakes because I was distracted is completely worth it. And to be able to enjoy my days with the kids instead of being irritated because their play is breaking my concentration is completely worth it.

"You must look within for value, but look beyond for perspective."

2007-12-17T10:31:00.000-08:00

My last post was very whiney, and I apologize for that. I've been looking back over what I wrote and feeling very silly about the whole thing. Largely because I had an opportunity to gain a whole new perspective on good and bad things in my life. And I realize that I am a very, very, very lucky individual.

This change of thought came about when That Guy and I loaded The Boy and The Girl into the car and made the 3 hour drive down to the coast. We were stationed there once upon a time, and we went back to close out our old bank account since we were not able to do so online. While we were down there we drove around to see some of the familiar places, and were surprised that, even 2 years later, the effects of Katrina are so apparent.

We went to our old neighborhood to show The Boy his first house (The Girl was not born until we moved to England) We couldn't find it, and thought we had taken a wrong turn. After driving around the neighborhood for a bit we realized that it was not that we were lost- but that the street no longer exists. At all.

Our cul-de-sac and every house between ours and the back bay were gone.We were able to point out the general area to our son, show him the concrete slab that used to be the foundation of our house, but other than that, it is all completely gone.

And this is when I realized that we are insanely lucky. Our family was supposed to stay in Biloxi until December 2005, but orders came early for us to move to England two years sooner, and we jumped at the opportunity to go. We were young and broke, and not very smart since we didn't have any type of homeowner or renters insurance at the time. Had we stayed in Biloxi we would have lost everything. Literally. Everything.

It was definately shocking to see and realize how much our lives could have changed. And made me realize how ungrateful I was being, complaining about being home on vacation!

"A man grows most tired while standing still."

2007-12-12T15:09:00.000-08:00

This is pretty much an accurate summation of how I feel right now. I'm just flat out tired lately. And it's not that I am doing too much, I think it is because I am doing too little.

I'm no longer working, I am rarely exercising, and I am not studying nearly as much as I ought too. We are making time to spend with our family's, but we aren't doing anything with that time. I am utterly exhausted and it's all boredom's fault!

Work is not something I can really do much about at the moment. But I cannot wait until we are in Las Vegas and I can start the job hunt. I want to be back out in the work-force again. I feel worthless as a stay-at-home mom. And I assure you, it is not because I feel that SAHM's are worthless. In fact, I think it is a very admirable thing for a woman to do with her life. Unfortunantly, I don't think I am doing this whole "mom" thing very well. I feel like a failure because staying home with my children is not extraordinarily thrilling to me. They wear me out, some days I want to run screaming for the hills and never come home.

This isn't an every day occurance, though. I do love my children, and I feel blessed to have the opportunity to be home with them, especially since I know there are so many women who would love to be able to stay home with their children who do not have the same opportunity. I think that's why I feel so worthless with the SAH-thing. Because I know I am doing something wrong with it.

The working out thing stopped when The Guy arrived home about a week ago. I was staying with my parents and I had access to their treadmill every day. We have since moved to the In-Laws home, and I have no access to a treadmill, or any workout equiptment on a regular bases. I feel lazy and sluggish because I am not working out, but I lack the motivation to leave their home to do so. I swear to myself each night when I go to bed that I am going to get up the next morning and exercise, but I never do get around to doing it.

The school thing is entirely my fault, although I am trying to remedy it. I keep picking up my books to study, I just can't find 5 minutes of quiet, let alone the hour or two I need daily. So instead of feeling rested, refreshed, energized, and purposeful, I am feeling worn down and tired. Who knew that vacation would be so exhausting?

"Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip."

2007-12-05T15:44:00.000-08:00

I took The Boy and The Girl to have Christmas pictures taken today. As the title quotation suggests, they were not exactly little Angels. Surprisingly, we managed to cover the Devil horns in the photographs, and they are deceptively sweet looking.

Now I'm going to stop pretending that there is any purpose to this blog-post (other than showing off my baby's, of course) and get straight to the photos....

"Maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had, and what you've learned from them...

2007-12-03T18:19:00.000-08:00

...and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated."

It's not often that I run into a quote so fitting, but too long! Generally I just keep searching for something better that fits in the title bar, but today I couldn't let go of my chosen quotation, so it's a little bit of a choppy title. What the heck, it's my birthday and I'll do what I want to!

I went to sleep last night twenty-three, and woke up twenty-four. And other than the fact that there were people singing "happy birthday" and asking me how it feels to be another year older, it didn't feel that different at all. I had a nice day with my mother and The Boy and The Girl, a good breakfast and a delicious dessert. I read a few birthday cards, opened a gift, and spoke to That Guy, my sister, and my brother on the phone. All in all, it was a very lovely day. But it still felt very ordinary to me. And I don't know if that's just because I am a very ordinary person, or if I have simpy outgrown the magic that surrounded birthdays when I was younger. I think it is perhaps a little bit of both.

Part of me feels a little sad about the lack of magic, but mostly I am very happy with this new thought. The fact that my special day feels so ordinary says (to me, anyway) that my ordinary days are something special. I certainly think that is true- and I will gladly accept 365 special ordinary days to one uncommonly magical one.

I did think that, perhaps, I should mark the occasion a little bit anyway. So, since I didn't take any pictures today, you are now stuck with a list. 24 Things I Have Learned in 24 Years.

The First Year: Parents like to take pictures of their kids in goofy hats. If you just sit still for a few seconds, it will all be over soon.
The Second Year: Try as you might, you can't out-stubbon a goat.
The Third Year: You have to cherish moments with your siblings, because they might not always be there
The Fourth Year: If your grandmother says a dress is "sooo cute", it probably isn't.
The Fifth Year: It's best to learn to ride a bike in the grass
The Sixth Year: Stitches hurt. A lot.
The Seventh Year: If your teacher ridicules you, you could very well remember that for the rest of your life (or at least for the next 17 years)
The Eighth Year: Teachers like it when you read. They just prefer that, if you are going to read in class, you choose a textbook for a change.
The Ninth Year: Some people are just plain rude. It's better to just smile, nod and say "yes, my mother IS having another baby. Isn't it great?" than to try and figure out why other people think it's any of their business.
The Tenth Year: If you have a really fantastic teacher, even math can be fun.
The Eleventh Year: It's possible for every shred of confindence you have in yourself to dissapear the first time someone criticizes you about something as trivial as your looks
The Twelfth Year: Boys who says girls can't play sports have no idea what they're talking about.
The Thirteenth Year: It's possible to become best friends with someone when the only thing you have in common is a shared birthday.
The Fourteenth Year: Believe it or not, giving up an entire Saturday for a speech tournament can be fun!
The Fifteenth Year: Having a fondness for arguing can be rewarding when you join the debate team.
The Sixteenth Year: Some people are just jerks. Don't dwell on it. Just cut your losses, move on, and be thankful that you had better sense than to get stuck in a situtation like that.
The Seventeenth Year: There's no shame in admitting that you need help. The real shame would be letting your problems ruin your life. Asking for help is never the wrong choice.
The Eighteenth Year: Parents mean well- but in the end, you have to follow what your heart tells you.
The Nineteenth Year: It doesn't matter what statistics say. You are not a statistic, you are a person. Statistics do not determine whether your succeed or fail.
The Twentieth Year: Very little in life can compare to holding your child in your arms for the first time.
The Twenty-First Year: Life changes, and sometimes it presents you with an opportunity to experience something new and exciting. Embrace that.
The Twenty-Second Year: A military wife has more strength and determination than even she realizes.
The Twenty-Third Year: What doesn't kill you can always make you stronger.
The Twenty-Fourth Year: Life is what you make of it. You can either dwell on what you regret about your past, or you can focus on what you can do about your future, but you can't do both.

"I can't think of anything to write about except families. They are a metaphor for every other part of society."

2007-11-27T12:54:00.000-08:00

The Girl, My Mother, & I
While browsing pictures on my parents computer- I came across this one of me, my mother, and The Girl. It was taken in Scotland in June of 2006- 3 generations of women in our family in the country my grandfather was born in. I also have one taken in Scotland in October of 2004, That Guy, Father-in-Law and The Boy- three generations of men in his family in the country their ancestors came from as well. Our family's and our roots are fascinating to me, always have been.

The Boy, That Guy, & Father-In-Law

During our trips to Scotland I always had this over-whelming sense of pride, a feeling of belonging and getting back to our roots. I thought this was something unique to being in Scotland, so I was amazed to have those same feelings when walking into my parents home a little over a week ago.

Above: Young me (and a young sister)

Below: The Girl

We haven't done anything awe-inspiring, and the scenery certainly isn't as breath-taking- but I still feel a sense of satisfaction being home, with family, and realising that this place is also a part of my history. Recent history- but it's something I will be able to pass on to my children. It might not be walking the highlands as our ancestors once did, but I can take them for a walk through the zoo like their mommy once did. It really is an amazing feeling!

Above: Young me

Below: The Boy

"The universe is change. Our life is what our thoughts make it."

2007-11-07T03:37:00.000-08:00

In a little more than one week, The Boy, The Girl and I will board a plane and leave England, possibly forever. It's a change that produces mixed emotions. One the one hand, I am rejoicing, we will finally be back in the States, we will see family again, friends that we haven't seen in four years, we won't have to worry about foreighn laws or foreign currency. On the other hand I am mourning the end of this life we have had.

Living in England has been full of ups and downs, but so many things happened here. The Boy took his first steps here, said his first words. The Girl entered our lives while we were living here. We've celebrated one birth, thirteen birthdays and three anniversaries. We've made friends we would never have known otherwise, and taken our children to see places they never would have seen if we hadn't lived here. We're ready to go home, but at the same time, we're leaving England heartbroken.

This past week almost all of our possesions have been wrapped in paper, stuck in boxes, and packed into crates. They were taken out of our home on a large truck, to reappear two months from now when we are settling into a new home, and a new life, at a new base. We watched them pack our memories away with out belongings and I have to say- this week has been a very emotional one for me.

So now I sit in a mostly empty house, thinking about all the changes that have happened in the last four years. Some bad, it's true, but mostly good. That Guy and I have changed, we're definately not the same two people we were when we moved here. We boarded that plane a few days after my 20th birthday, still relatively new to this whole parenting thing, new to this marriage thing, new to being adults. We're flying home with a confidence that came about only through experience. We've changed from scared kids pretending to be brave as we embarked on a life in a new country, into confident adults. Of course, some things never change and we're still just pretending to be brave as we begin a new life in a new place once again.

The Boy has certainly changed as well. We came over here with an eight-month old baby- we're going home with an almost 5 year old boy. We recently went with him to one of the castles near-by that we like to frequent. I can watch him grow up in the pictures we have taken there. It was the first castle we ever took him too, he's gone at least twice a year since we arrived in England. And, since you know that I am obsessed with pictures, you know that I will post pictures when I have my photos again.

The Girl has changed as well. I don't have my baby anymore. She's telling me each day that she is my big girl. She doesn't want me to rock her in the chair anymore. I'm not supposed to sing Toorahloo to her at night anymore. She wants me to get rid of the toys I have held onto for two year because, once upon a time when she was still my baby, she liked them.

Some changes have been easy. We've thrown out a lot of stuff that we have hung onto over the years (it's dangerous when two pack-rats get married!) Other changes, like seeing my babies dissapear, are harder to handle. One thing I can tell myself though is this- these last four years have changed many things in a positive way, and now we are off to see what new and wonderful changes await.

"As long as we are lucky we attribute it to our smartness; our bad luck we give the gods credit for."

2007-10-23T04:36:00.000-07:00

I am going to bed, and I'm not getting up until this week is over.

Well, ok, that's not a reasonable goal. So instead I am going to listen to Social Distortion sing "You've got bad, bad luck." over and over and over again. Because, so far, this just isn't my week.

Sunday I found out from the school that the textbooks I have do not match up with my study guides and assigments- which means I cannot even consider finishing this semester until next month when I am home on leave.

Yesterday I washed That Guys cell phone with his blue jeans, and it no longer works. Not that I really expected it to survive a trip through the washing machine. Still, a girl can dream, right?

And today The Girl dropped one of my earrings down the sink in the bathroom. Any ordinary earring, and I wouldnt' care much- but this is one of the pearl earrings that That Guy got me for our 5th anniversary. Something he was very proud of because we are finally in a place where we can afford things like that. I removed the trap (or whatever that little U-shaped pipe is called) and it's not there. According to the guy at the housing maintanence office- if it's not there, it's gone for good.

So someone, please come get me when the week is over. Because I don't want to know what kind of day tomorrow is going to be.

"I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me!"

2007-10-19T06:56:00.000-07:00

I've noticed that I tend to make lists of things in this blog. Probably because I'm obsessive about things like that. I can't start my day without making several different types of "To Do" Lists. One for the cleaning I plan to do. One for the errands I need to do. One for the exercise I am going to try in vain to fit in between the cleaning and the errands. And one for the food I am going to eat if I don't forget about it while trying to clean, exercise, and run errands. Yeah, so I'm a compulsive list-maker. Not that much of a surprise to people who know me.

So, I figured, if I'm going to turn this blog into yet another list making tool, I should at least try to limit it. So from now on, my lists are limited to 5 things. And to Friday's. Because I'm also compulsive about the way things look and sound, and Friday Five is better than Tuesday Five or Wednesday Five.

On to my first official Friday Five.

Five Things I've Learned While Dieting.

I have to eat more if I want to lose weight. Because, somehow, when I eat more food, I manage to eat fewer calories. Here is where being compulsive about my lists comes in handy though- because if I take the time to actually plan three meals and at least two snacks for the day- I make better choices. And if I decide that I'm going to skip a meal or two, my will-power decides to skip out for the day too.
I am fabulous at setting goals- I just suck at reaching them. Seriously, I wanted to lose 35lbs last year, so I went and lost 30 and then just quit. 5 lbs from my goal and I suddenly got bored with dieting. Brilliant, right? I also planned to ride my bike more. That lasted about 2 weeks. I was going to run three miles every other day. That lasted 2 months. Working out every morning? A mere 2 days. All these great, healthy goals, just kind of hanging around, waiting to be met.
I can actually cook. Seriously, it took me a couple of years to figure this one out. When we were first married, making dinner meant taking something from the freezer, putting it in the microwave or oven, and then eat. Making something from scratch meant Shake & Bake, or instant potatoes instead of the microwave potatoes. And then I thought about how much crap I was putting in my body, and I started thumbing through cookbooks. Not only can I cook, I actually kind of like it. I am insanely proud of myself whenever I do make a meal without relying on anything that includes the words "pre-cooked", "instant" or "helper"
I kind of like to exercise. Yeah, I lose interest sometimes, but then I just usually buy a new DVD. And yeah, it usually sucks while I'm actually doing it. So I guess it's not that I like to exercise. I like the feeling of having exercised. Post workout. Because then I feel like I have at least made one choice that day that is for me. Maybe totally selfish- but exercising is the only thing in my life that I do just for me. Cooking healthy is for That Guy and the kids as much as it's for me. Going to school- that's for all of us. Cleaning the house? Again, for all of us. Exercising though- that's my time, my choice. I like that feeling. Now if only I could get it without actually having to exercise!
I'm afraid I will never actually be happy. In high school, I hated the way I looked. And I look back at those photos, and I wish I could look like that again. Even at my lowest post-baby weight- I could look in the mirror and rattle off 10 flaws before one positive thought came to mind. I've figured out that this whole diet and exercise thing isn't really to get into a size 6 again or (dare I dream?) a 4. It's not to see my goal weight appear on the scale (although, I have to admit, that would be pretty nice) It's really just so that I can know each day, that I made the right choices. It's something in my life that I can actually feel good about- even if I don't feel good about the way I look.

"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."

2007-10-18T13:21:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about life, marriage, and happiness a lot lately. I'm a stay-at-home mom at a standstill with school, so I have a lot of time to think. I'm not sure if that's always a good thing.

I'll say first and foremost- that I do love That Guy. And no matter how much I complain, or how much I tend to focus on the negative, I also know that there is a lot in our life that is wonderful. The problem is- I do complain, and I do focus on the negative.

Since I was 13 I've been dealing with depression. Not just the whiny, obnoxious teen angst period (I went through that too). Off on and for the last decade (I hate that it's been that long) I've tried counseling, I've tried medication, I've tried pretending it's not a problem and hoping it just goes away. Since I've known That Guy- he's been great for me. He lets me talk when I need to talk, yell when I need to yell, withdraw when I need to withdraw. Even so, sometimes it still gets the better of me, and I need to get it out there.

I don't like talking to him about it- because I worry that he blames himself. Actually, I know that he blames himself. He doesn't understand why I can't just be happy- and thinks he must be doing something wrong. So I don't know if the secret to a happy marriage is still a secret. I wonder if maybe the secret to a happy marriage might be keeping secrets.

Now, I'm not talking about huge secrets here. When I sink pretty low- I don't try to hide that from That Guy. Keeping something like that a secret doesn't benefit anyone. But sometimes, when he asks "what's wrong" it's better to just say "I don't know, I guess it's just a mood" rather than sit there and rattle off my list of complaints. Because, lord knows, I sure do love to complain when I get like this. And he deserves better than that, he really does. So, unfortunately for anyone who does read this- I'm saving the complaints for here. Because this is the only online journal I have that he doesn't know about.

Mostly- I worry that he's going to lose interest in me, and move on to someone else. I don't think he's ever cheated- but that nagging feeling is there. And it's so stupid. I sat in the kitchen today and fought back tears thinking about it. Why? Because we have three water bottles on the counter. Anyone lost yet? That Guy went to the store and he bought the first one, but it somehow wasn't just right, so he bought the second, and then the third, and finally a fourth. Nothing was really wrong with the first three- they just weren't right. So he doesn't want them, but he also doesn't want to get rid of them. So they sit on the counter. And then I go and get this thought in my head- maybe I'm not "right" either. Maybe he thinks there is something wrong with me- only he won't tell me. He won't ask to separate or divorce, he'll just bring someone else into his life too. Because telling me I'm not good enough would be like throwing out a perfectly good water bottle. Are you sitting there thinking how pathetic I am? Cause I sure am!

All damn day, it's one crazy thought after another one. All these imaginary problems are showing up. And the worst thing is- each one is somehow related to a small, but insignificant problem. Not closely related- but close enough, so I am somehow able to convince myself that the larger imaginary problem poses some sort of threat to our happiness.

I'm not going to rant and rave about how horrible our marriage is- because I know that's not true. I'm also not going to say how perfect it is- because I know that's not true either. And while That Guy is great for me- he is also sometimes the most obnoxious man on the planet. Especially when he leaves dirty clothes on the floor next to the freaking hamper!

This depression thing is really kicking my butt this time around. It gets harder to deal with as I get older. I don't know if it's getting worse- or just the mere fact that I am getting older. I'm not a 13 year old kid anymore. I can't just mope in my room if I feel down about life in general. The Boy and The Girl see to that! It doesn't matter if I don't want to eat- three other people in this house do so me and my moods get out-voted.

I think though, that the reason it is worse now, is because I'm not an angsty teen anymore. When I was a teenager and I got depressed, I was also dumb enough to think that maybe the whole world didn't get me, and maybe this really was the worst thing I could feel. And now I'm rational enough to know that, at 13, I was a moron. The whole world is not out to get me. In fact, I have a pretty damn good life. I have a husband who loves me and supports me, kids that are sweet (sometimes, when they aren't scribbling on the walls) we have a roof over our heads, we're relatively healthy and, while we aren't rich, we aren't drowning in debt either. So what the hell is wrong with me that I can't just count my blessings and be happy with my life?

The only thing that is better about dealing with this as an adult is that I am smarter now. I really was a stupid kid. I think I was about 15 when I started making the worst choices. I carry reminders of that with me still and all I can say is- thank God those teen years passed. Now if only I could get out of this purgatory between ignorant teen and sensible adult.

"A daughter may outgrow your lap, but she will never outgrow your heart"

2007-10-10T15:49:00.000-07:00

I wouldn't want The Girl to be left out of my ramblings, so she too gets a post dedicated to just her.

As I sit here, trying to summon the perfect words to describe my little girl, I realize that it's not really possible. Not that this knowledge will stop me from trying, of course. Given the opportunity to talk or write about anything, I won't shut up.

I think what strikes me most about The Girl is that she is just like me. Not appearance wise- but in other ways. As far as appearance go- she got the luck of the draw. Curls, which have shown up on only one other family member to date, the blonde hair that everyone in my family, but me, had as children, and blue eyes that she stole from her Nana. If it wasn't for the chubby cheeks- people might think I had come home from the hospital with the wrong baby.

But even though she doesn't look like me, I know she IS me. A smaller, younger, cuter version of me- but me just the same. So here is her list.

5 Non-physical Ways to identify The Girl as my daughter.

She has my health. Or lack there-of. The only thing she didn't get was the hole in the heart. Seizures- check. Dehydration- check. Car sickness- check. Now I know how scared my own parents must have been when I was little. However- on the same note- she also has the same attitude about it that I apparently had. My mother told me I was so used to being poked and prodded that I would hop up on the table, hold out my arm, and wait for the needle. The Girl doesn't go to that extreem (thankfully, she hasn't had enough hospital experience to be that familiar with the procedures) but she doesn't seem phased. She can have a stomach virus- and still go running around the house in between bouts of illness. After the last seizure she came home and promptly began jumping on the couch in excitement because Dora was on. Nothing gets her down. The Girl reading a book after her first seizure. She wouldn't let me take her "stickers" off.

She has my imagination. I'm not as imaginative now- but as a child I was. Maybe imaginative isn't the proper word. I was weird. And so is she. I used to make shoes talk to one another, hangers, kitchen pots, hands even, if nothing else was available to me. The Girl is the same way. Not too long ago I noticed her sitting at the lunch table, making the crust of her sandwhich carry on a conversation with the lettuce. She also comes up to me several times a day to tell me who or what she is at that precise moment. Today she was a kitty, a puppy dog, a baby elephant, and a turtle hiding in a parking lot. Yeah- I'm confused about that last one too. The Girl, making two rocks talk to eachother on a visit to a local castle.

She has my habits. When I was little I had two main habits. I would suck on the two middle fingers of my left hand- and I would "skip" the tag on my care bear. (Skipping the tag was my way of saying I rubbed the tag between my thumb and index finger) I have noticed that, when The Girl is sleepy or bored, she puts the first two fingers on her left hand in her mouth. And I have video of her at 5 months old, sitting in a chair with her penguin (one of the care bear cousins, in fact) "skipping" the tag. The Girl, skipping the tag on her penguin

She has my stubborness. It is inconceivable to The Girl that she might be wrong about anything. And she will try to argue her point too. The other day I woke up to the delightful soudns of The Girl laying on the floor next to her bedroom door and kicking it. Over and over and over again. When I told her " that's not ok" She put her hands on her hips, gave me the look and said "I'm just kicking it mommy" Ok- so her reasoning and debate skills are still lacking- but the desire to justify every single thing she does is there. And it's always "just" something. "I'm just jumping." "I'm just throwing my ball." "I'm just going downstairs" "I'm just not taking a nap" "I'm just not gonna smile pretty for the camera"

She has my inabilty to be quiet. The Girl is never quiet. Almost literally, never at all. She even talks in her sleep. (And I am not kidding about that!) Like me, she is missing that little filter in her mind that says "maybe you should just think this- you don't have to say it" If she has a thought- she shares it. Luckily for her, she's two- it's still considered cute at this point. I took almost 30 pictures of The Girl that day, trying to get a portrait. She wouldn't stop talking so I could get a decent one!

So there it is. Five parts of me that I see in The Girl every day. Five things that make me want to smile and bang my head against a wall at the same time.

"You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes."

2007-10-10T01:29:00.000-07:00

I have a friend who has recently discovered that she is expecting her first child. Once the shock of being pregnant passed- she has settled into an almost contagious excitement about the whole thing. She bounces from one topic to another with the glee of a child who woke up early on Christmas morning and has the whole magical room to herself for a few moments. She wants to talk about the changes she's already noticing, the changes she is waiting for. She's anticipating the first ultrasound, the first kicks, meeting her baby for the first time. She is talking about what she will do with the nursery, possible names, the things she wants to buy.

So I asked one of the typical questions you ask expectant mothers: do you have a preferance?

Of course, we all know, or at least I hope we all know, that a healthy baby is ultimately the most important thing. Still, most mothers, while pregnant, are hoping, secretly or otherwise, for a little boy, or a little girl.

So I ask: "Do you want a boy or a girl?"

And she says "Oh, a girl, definately. I wouldn't know what to do with a boy!"

We talked about it a little more- and she really, honestly, is baffled by the whole idea of having a boy. Not only that, but she is baffled that I WANTED a boy the first time around, that I wasn't dissapointed that I had a boy, that my excitement over a girl the second time had nothing to do with correcting some cosmic mistake that made my first child ahve boy parts.

All I could tell her was "Boy's are great." Here's what I wanted to tell her though...

Five Reasons I am thrilled I have The Boy in my life:

There is some magic in the Mother/Son relationship. I don't know what it is- but it's there. I love The Girl, of course, and I always will. And it's not that I love The Boy more- but it's a different kind of love. The Boy is the one who comes to my room in the morning for a cuddle before starting the day. The Boy is the one by my side in the kitchen, helping me with the dishes, or trying to impress me with how strong he is as he puts three books back on the shelf at the same time! He's not just a boy, he's The Boy, my boy.

I have front row seats to the development of the Father/Son relationship. The Boy loves me, and I have no doubt about that. But he hero worships That Guy. Daddy can do no wrong in The Boys eyes. Since he was little, he wanted to be That Guy's shadow- he wants to wear his hats, wear his boots, sit in his chair, play his video games. He even wants to wear boxers now, because Daddy does, and won't wear velcro shoes, because Daddy doesn't. When you ask The Boy what he wants to do when he grows up he says "I want to work like Daddy" He wants to be strong like his Daddy, tall like his Daddy, handsome like his Daddy.

I am rediscovering childhood from a new perspective. I was a tomboy as a child- a lot like The Girl is now. I loved "girl" things, and "boy" things. Still, there is a difference in the genders and how they play- and I am discovering this through The Boy. I get to see Teddy Bear turn into a superhero- I get to see skyscrapers being built on my dining room table, and most of all, I get to see how he plays. Just playing. When I was little, all my games had a purpose. Maybe not one that mattered to anyone but me- but there was a reason for everything I did. My toys were set up precisely, they acted out stories in my head- I acted out stories in my head. The Boy just goes. He runs in circles just because. He jumps, climbs, yells spins, all because he can. There doesn't have to be a purpose to it- the very fact that he can jump from the couch to the stack of pillows on the floor is reason enough.

I get first hand insight into all the mysteries of "guy things" It's funny to me to discover how many of the mysterious guy things I never understood are just instinctive to them. That Guy comes home from work, and the very first thing he does is take off his work pants. It's apparently a "guy thing" because The Boy comes home from school and the very first thing he does is take off his pants. That Guy likes to fiddle with things. The fan isn't working just right, no problem, he'll take it apart. And it doesn't matter than he has never fixed a fan before, and has no idea how to do it- he's going to do it on his own. it's apparently a "guy thing" because The Boy does it too. He takes apart new toys and then will not accept help from me in putting them back together again. When I am driving anywhere with That Guy- he tells me "turn here" or "stop here"- even if it's a route I've taken a million times before. It's apprently a "guy thing" because The Boy does the same thing from the backseat.

I have the opportunity to help mold the man he will become. When I think back to some of the jerks I have known in my life- I know exactly what type of man I hope The Boy never is. And I have an opportunity to help him grow and learn to avoid those qualities. I have a chance to teach him about respect, a chance to teach him about patience, a chance to teach him about loyalty. I can help to instill in him the qualities of That Guy that I most admire- and a chance to steer him away from the qualities in other men that I hate.

Looking at all that- what's NOT to love about having a boy? Why on earth would any mother be fearful of the prospect of raising a son? They are amazing people- and we are blessed to be a part of their lives- to gain new knowledge of the opposite sex.

Part of me hopes my friend has the little girl she's hoping for. But a much bigger part of me hopes she has a boy. Not to be spiteful- but just because, no matter what anyone says, she won't understand the greatness of having a son until she experiences it first hand.

"Brothers and sisters are as close as hands and feet."

2007-10-06T01:24:00.000-07:00

I watch The Boy and The Girl, their interactions with one another, quite frequently. I am both amazed and annoyed by them. I am sometimes torn with whether I should laugh, cry, or call my parents and apologize for my own childhood.I am fascinated by this developing sibling relationship, and feel almost honored to watch it grow.

The Boy has been fascinated by his little sister, almost since birth. Those first few days in the hospital, though, he wanted nothing to do with her. If anyone held her, he would push the little bassinet on wheels (the "box" hospitals insist you keep your child in) over to them and stand there expectantly. It was as if he was saying "yeah, she's nice- now put her back in her cage where she belongs." We didn't expect the transition from baby to big brother to go over seemlessly, though, especially for a two year old who's Daddy was deployed.

A moment of sweetness from the early days of sibling relations

It didn't take long for The Girl to grow on him though- and he was soon as thoroughly smitten as the rest of us. He wanted to hold her, to help change her, feed her, entertain her- everything. He woke her up int he middle of hte night to give her toys, he pushed the rocking chair closer to her crib so he could climb in with her. We quickly decided that The Boy and The Girl would have to sleep in seperate rooms! The Boy wanted to be invovled in everything- and we had to explain to him that The Girl did not need his assistance in reaching developmental milestones!

The Girl, at first, did not think much of The Boy at all. He was just there. Someone else in the house who's sole purpose was, in her opinion, to dote on her. She loved the fact that he did dote on her, though. A lot. She would light up when he came into a room because she knew that, once he spotted her, The Boy would shower her with attention. Once she got older though, The Boy stopped thinking over her as a fascinating thing to watch and amuse, and realized that she was a person to play with. And that's when things got interesting.

"Sometimes being a brother is even better than being a superhero." ~Marc Brown

The Girl, admiring her big brother.

The Girl began to fairly worship her older brother. He showed her everything. Once she was able to walk- it was never hard to keep track of her. As long as you knew where The Boy was, The Girl would be two steps behind.And he took advantage of that! Now he had someone to play bad guy to his hero, now he had someone to bring him toys he wanted, now he had someone to blame for things he shouldn't have done.

Me: The Boy, why did you throw your books all over the room?
The Boy: The Girl did it!

Me: The Girl isn't tall enough to reach the books on your shelf

The Boy: The Girl did it!

"More than Santa Claus, your sister knows when you've been bad and good." ~Linda Sunshine

The Girl- blaming The Boy despite the condemning evidence still in her hand

Pretty soon, The Girl realized that she was getting the raw end of this deal. And she learned something new from The Boy- how to play the blame game. As soon as she learned to talk- she learned to tattle. The Boy can no longer look at her funny without me learning about it.

Me: WHAT are you two doing?

The Girl: The Boy gave it to me!

So now they have settled into a routine of sibling rivalry, with scattered moments of enjoying one another's company. They play together every day, and love to do so. But every game ends with a cry of "MOOOOMMMMMMYYYYYYY" as they race to be the first one to get to me and tell on the other one. Some accusations are more serious than others:

"He hit me" "She took my toy" "He called me poopy" "She told me shut up!"

At which point I step in and use my mommy powers to sort it out and make the problem go away, lecturing about the use of bad words, returning toys to their rightful owners, and kissing owwies to make them better.

Other accusations are just flat out ridiculous

"He's singing" "She's talking to me" "He's looking at me" "She's sitting on the couch"

At which point I just look at them. And sometimes laugh. Because, really- sitting on the couch? Singing? SO WHAT!?!

A rare moment of cease-fire

While they may fight like cats and dogs- at the end of the day, they still love one another. And they both know that. I guess that's all that matters.

It's those moments, when I watch them as they play together, share their advantures, talking, laughing, singing, and running around like little hooligans, that I am glad I have two children. I am happy they have someone to share their childhood with. And those moments make all the rest of it worthwhile.

"Halloween wraps fear in innocence"

2007-09-30T13:25:00.000-07:00

I love Halloween. I am 23 years old and I still get excited as I turn the page on my calander to October because I know- this is the month of Halloween. I think a part of me has always loved this holiday- but I know that the childhood love I have always had for it is a very small part of what I feel now. Today, as a grown up (that's what people tell me I am, anyway) I love Halloween because it is so magical for children. I am not a child, much to my dismay, but I do have two children. And I can throw myself into it because I want to create that magic for my own kids.

I remember October as a child. I loved it when my parents would pull the "Halloween" box out of the attic. The one that had every rag-tag piece of costuming we had collected over the years, the decorations we would put on the windows, around the house, and on the porch, and- my dad's favorite- the pumpkin leaf bags. We put stickers of cats and cobwebs on the windows, hung a ghost and a vampire from the porch railing, and then went into the garage to get our rakes.

That's right- my biggest childhood memory associated with Halloween is raking the yard. For some reason, as children, we thought it was fun to rake up the leaves and pinestraw, so we could fill the bags and display our pumpkins on the front yard. I don't know how my father convinced us that raking was fun come October, but he did. And it's not that we were that gullible year round. No, we were ordinarily very typical American children- balking at all suggested chores. Yard work, in particular, was the worst considering that we had a very large back yard. But for some reason, the excitement of Halloween swept us up until all we could think about was how much we wanted those silly, large, pumpkin shaped bags of pinestraw in the front yard.

Of course, my fondest memory's of one of my favorite holidays are not all wrapped up in yard work. I do remember the excitement of digging through the costume box, looking over the articles of clothing that had been collected over the years- and finding new and inventive ways to piece them together into costumes. A white sweat-suit and some black paint became a Dalmation costume one year. The same black cape was used for Batman, Zorro, a Vampire, and a Witch (not all in the same year, of course) Each year our parents surprised us with a new addition to the "costume box"- the most exciting would be when it was a "real" costume, passed along by a friend with children older than us, who had outgrown it.

It's not that we didn't enjoy our homemade costumes, or that we ever resented our parents for not buying us each a brand new costume each year. There were five children in the house most of the time, and a time when all five of us were still young enough to go trick-or-treating. Storebought costumes for fives kids just wasn't practical, and our parents raised us with enough common sense to appreciate that. Still, we were a little envious of our friends with their more realistic costumes. Then again, we had more than one friend admit to being jealous of us with our creative mom.

Now I get so much enjoyment buying costumes for my kids each year. And yes, we do buy them instead of making them at home. Although, some of the thrifty lessons from my childhood have stuck with me. I get great pleasure ferreting out good bargains on e-bay, and the only time I buy a costume from the store is the day after Halloween, when they are 50-75% off. I may not be the most creative when it comes to costuming- but I am like a giddy little kid when, halfway through September, I sit down at the computer and begin to search through e-bay. For the past two years, The Boy and The Girl sat with me, pointing out the costumes they liked as I browsed what was for sale- and picking the costumes that are perfect for them.

Part of me feels a bit odd, spending money on a costume that, theoretically, is to be used just one day out of the year. A costume that they will outgrow by next year, so never use again. Then I remember- these are MY kids were talking about! Every day is Halloween in our home. We occasionally buy costumes just because we see a good deal, maybe on e-bay, or at the thrift store on base, or on November 1st when we're shopping the sales rack. The Boy will wake up in the morning and slip into his Spiderman costume. By lunch time he is Batman instead. Sometime after dinner he's wondering around as Ben Grimm (The Thing, from The Fantastic 4) The Girl has claimed his Superman costume for her own, her Angel costume from last year is in the box of dress up clothes in her room.

It's so fun for me, watching them playing pretend every day. And I think that's why I love Halloween so much. Not because they need an excuse to put on a costume and pretend to be someone else for a day- but because, for one night, everyone is playing make believe along with them. I love that they have one magical night when all their imaginings are accepted and understood- when they can share what is in their minds with everyone they know. The looks on their faces as they see what the other children are wearing, how proud The Boy and The Girl are when people comment on their own costumes, it's almost enough to give me goosebumps. It's defiantely enough to make me grin like a child on Christmas morning when I turn the page on the calander to October.

"Children's games are hardly games. Children are never more serious than when they play."

2007-09-27T10:33:00.000-07:00

I've been "tagged" by Gretchen. And I wonder if it was because she doubted that I could come up with a blog-title quote about playing tag. I looked. I couldn't find one. 3 differents books of quotations on my shelf. God only knows how many websites only boasting collections of "famous quotes" None of them about playing tag. I feel oddly dissapointed about this!

But on to the game. As I understand it, I have to give 6 facts about myself, and then tag 6 people. Except I don't even have that many people on my little friends list off to the side (unless you can re-tag) But here goes, starting by telling on my childhood (much more interesting than my adulthood!)

My first complete sentence, yelled out while hiding under the coffee table in the living room as my parents were having a dinner party, was "By the power of Gray Skull." Yes, from He-Man. Yes, I was an 80's child.

When I was a little girl, probably about three or four, I cried because the Mrs. Buttersworth syrup bottle would not talk to me. To be fair though, Mrs. Buttersworth always talked to the kids in the television commercials, so I wasn't sure why I was being left out!
My brothers, sisters, and I once tied up a babysitter with Mardi Gras beads. With 5 children in the house at the time- we had quite a lot of them (but no available rope) We then called his best friend and demanded 2 pizzas as ransom. That friend grew up to be That Guy's best friend, Best Man at our marriage blessing and has never let me forget that.

I was given a sock monkey for Christmas when I was 16. I named her Lucy. She became my "mascot" at debate tournaments, always propped on the desk next to my briefcase. And since I was known as a "mean" debator- she is probably the only sock monkey in history to instill fear in teenagers. (I still have her)

I'm not always the nicest Mommy. I gave The Boy lemon to eat when he was 8 months old. I laugh when I wake up in the middle of the night and find him asleep on the bathroom floor, pants still around his ankles, too tired to pull them up and go back to bed (I do dress him and carry him to bed though!) I think it's funny when The Girl throws temper tantrums.

Last but not least, I am scared for The Girl nearly every day. She's too fearless. She's too frail. I'm afraid that she's going to break her neck leaping from the table. I worry that she will have another seizure, but I won't get to her in time. She is blessed with toddler invincibility- but I wonder if maybe even Superman's mom used to worry sometimes when he would go off and fight badguys. I bet she did.

And so now I get to tag other people! It's time to learn how to add links to my blog!

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."

2007-09-26T03:06:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been having a lot of dream about babies. Sometimes I dream that we have another child. Sometimes I dream that I am pregnant. I wake up after these dreams feeling very confused and overwhelmed by it all.

The Boy- a few hours old

I'm sure most people would think- "well, what's wrong with dreaming about babies?" or "maybe it's a sign that you are pregnant/want to have another baby?"

I'm not sure how to explain how I feel about this- it's difficult for me. Putting it quite simply- I do not want to have another baby. Not that I don't like babies. Not that I wouldn't enjoying having another baby in my life. But I do not want to HAVE another baby. The idea of being pregnant again terrifies me.

My first pregnancy was a breeze- very very little morning sickness, all those horrible problems people talk about- absent. While I was pregnant with The Boy, I imagined that we would have several more children. It was when I was pregnant with The Girl that I changed my mind about pregnancy.

The Boy- on his first birthday. This has always been one of my favorite pictures of him as a little one.

The pregnancy was painful from beginning to end. I found out from my Dr that I had not healed properly from my first c-section, and the pain was a result. I also found out that this pain was likely to occur in each additional pregnancy. That's when I decided that two pregnancy's were enough for me.

I would go through that pain a million more times if I had to, to make sure that I had The Girl in my life. I don't for one moment wish that I had NOT had her. However- I am still quite certain that I do not want to put my body through that again. But I still want another baby.

That Guy and I talked about this a lot. We discussed it from about the 3rd month of pregnancy until The Girl was 2 years old. We decided that their would be no more pregnancies for us. And I don't regret that decision at all. I know in my heart that we made the right choice for our family.

The Girl- a few hours old

Before making that choice though, That Guy and I discussed adoption. And while we both agreed that we didn't want to deal with pregnancy again- neither of us is opposed to adding to our family through other means. At the time, we both agreed that we would not want to adopt another baby, that we would prefer to adopt a toddler, or a young school aged child. That Guy has always been very adament about that. He does NOT want to go through "the baby" stage again. And I agreed with him.

I'm not so sure anymore. I have babies on my brain a lot lately. I have these dreams about them. I get a pain in my heart when I look at The Boy and The Girl and realize that they are no longer my babies. I'm not at all convinced anymore that I can go through the rest of my life without holding a baby in my arms and watching that baby grow into an inquisitive toddler, an active pre-schooler, and beyond.

The Girl- four months old, my favorite baby picture of her

We are certainly not in a position now to even consider adoption, nor did we plan to think about it for at least another 3 years. And maybe my little case of "baby rabies" will pass before then. I don't know. All I know is, right now, at this point in my life, I want another baby so bad it's heartbreaking to think about going through the rest of my life without another one.

"Beware of health books. You might die of a misprint"

2007-09-19T03:44:00.000-07:00

Funny guy, that Mark Twain.

I will confess right now that I am very often guilty of creating, and then neglecting, blogs. It's not that I don't want to update them. What happens instead is that I get caught up in something, or several somethings, and I forget about everything else.

Currently, there are two distracting somethings in my life, both of which I consider pretty damn important.

First, and perhaps most importantly, I have resumed school. I began my second semester and, so far, am doing well. The only problem is I can only complete my classes when the books arive in the mail. I have been sitting around twiddling my thumbs for a few days now since I have completed my first two classes, and I am waiting for the textbook for the third class to reach me. However, while I wait, I am going over and reorganizing my notes- so at least I will have an excellent study resource.

My first class this semester was Interpersonal Communication, and I was extraordinarly thrilled about this, with good reason. I am, and always have been, a dork. When I was in 8th grade I helped to begin our schools speech and debate program, and I then competed for five years (even earning a scholarship for college) Communication classes are a dream for me. What an excellent way to begin my second semester!

Knowing my penchant for pictures of pictures- here's another one. This is me, being the dork that I was, at a speech seminar during my summer vacation one year. The adults are professors at local schools- the guy with me was from a rival school- funny,. witty (not bad looking) and an all around fun to have as competition.

The second class was Investigations and Interviews. Not as thrilling as communication, but interesting nontheless. The class I am waiting on, however, is certainly going to put a damper on my enthusiasm for school. The Microcoputer and It's Applications. :::shudders::: I have no fondness for computers. I have no knowledge of computers. I managed to make it through 3 seperate computer classes in high school without learning anything on the subject. I managed to take a class last semester without learning anything on the subject. I may be the only person in the world who can study computers, pass all required tests on them, and still not manage to retain any information.

My second distracting something is health. Mine, to be specific but, by extention, That Guy's, The Boy's, and The Girl's health as well. I have become caught up in a fitness craze again. It seems to happen most frequently in September.

My dreaded "before" picture. This was taken one month after That Girl was born. It has since then served as a reminder of what I hope to never be again.

Last September, while That Guy was deployed, I decided to do something about the 35 lbs I had put on in the last 4 years. So, over the course of 4 months, I ate well and exercised, and dropped 30 lbs. Then That Guy came home. And I stopped eating well. And I stopped working out. And I re-gained 25lbs. Yikes.

This was my "after" picture- the result of 4 months of very hard work. I am so very sad to say that I look nothing like this anymore.

So- I have become determined, once again, to lose weight. I've only lost 7lbs so far- but I have also only been doing this for two weeks- so it's not like I could expect overnight success. (I can dream though!) I have started cooking healthier- which benefits That Guy, The Boy, and The Girl. I have started running, which benefits no one. I'm sure it's doing something to benefit me- but really, I loathe running. With every fiber of my being- I detest it. I only do it because it's a very portable type of exercise. It won't matter if I have access to a gym or not, or if there are fitness classes available for me to take- I can run anywhere. I still hate it.

My kids are seeing that Mommy is being active, and they want in on the fun- so at least I know that I am setting a good example for them. Maybe, since they are learning to love eating right and exercising while they are young, they will never have the problems I have had with weight gain. If I can save them that- then the horrible, horrible running will be worth it.

Going to a church makes you a Christian no more than going to a garage makes you an automobile

2007-09-03T23:37:00.000-07:00

We decided to try and go to Mass this past Sunday. I say "try" because we weren't really all that committed to the idea. Going to Mass is something we know we should do, something we feel guilty for not doing (especially since The Boy and The Girl are baptised, and That Guy and I had a Catholic blessing ceremony for our marriage) But, in the past 5 years, we have been very infrequent visitors to any church.

Saturday I drove past the chapel, to make sure I had the times right. Mass is at 9:30 am on Sunday's. Well, that's no big deal. Certainly we can be up and about by 9:30- The Boy and The Girl rarely sleep past 7:30 anyway- so it's not like we would by lying about.

So Sunday morning we got up- breakfast was eaten, baths were taken, clothes were put on- and we were out the door by 9:15. We got to the chapel only to find out that, for some reason or another, the Mass had been moved to 11:00 at a chapel on another base. At which point we just kind of gave up. Shrugged our shoulder, put The Boy and The Girl back in their carseats, and went home. We said we were going to try again next week. I like to think that we will.

When it comes down to it, though, neither That Guy nor I are really sure if we even count as Catholic anymore. I can't really speak for him- but I suppose I am one of those dreaded "caffeteria Catholics" I always heard talked about in Sunday school and confirmation classes. Someone who refers to herself as Catholic- but doesn't embrace everything.

I can pretty much pin-point when I fell away. It was when I was 18 and pregnant. I knew I was supposed to go to confession- I was supposed to profess how very sorry I was for sinning and having premarital sex and, if I was truly sorry, God would forgive me. Except, I wasn't sorry. How could I be? Regretting having premarital sex would mean regretting my pregnancy. Regretting the pregnancy means regretting The Boy- and no where in my heart- even at 18, before he was born, before I even knew he was indeed a he- did I for one second regret The Boy. I wasn't sorry for my sin- because my sin brought my son into my life- and I wouldn't change that for anything in the world.

It's hard now for me to go to Mass- I feel like a hypocrit the entire time I am there. I feel like there is this dark cloud hanging over me- here I am, pretending to be just like everyone else- except I'm NOT sorry!

Since then, there seems to be one disagreement after another with what I should believe- I don't believe that being homsexual and acting on it is sinful, and I don't believe that birth control is inherently wrong. I refuse to believe that a woman who divorces an abusive spouse is sinning, and when you see so many unwanted and neglected children, I refuse to believe that God wants everyone to have children just because they can.

I know I resemble the anti-Catholic, I'm sure. That really isn't the case though. I DO believe a lot of the foundations of the religion. I believe that once saved doesn't mean always saved, I believe that you aren't forgiven unless you are truly repentent. I believe that Mary was born without sin and that Jesus was the son of God. I believe that it takes more than Faith alone- and in angels and saints.

I just have a very hard time reconciling what I do believe with what I don't believe. And I don't know if I will ever have the answer to that problem.

All weddings are similar, but every marriage is different

2007-08-31T04:30:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was our 5th anniversary. 4 years ago today we had our marriage blessing ceremony. That Guy and I were both raised Catholic and it was simply "unnaceptable" that we were not married in the church. We waited a year- but we did eventually get around to having the marriage blessed.

The blessing ceremony was nice- it wasn't as meaningful to me as the wedding- but it did represent a lot of things for both of us. Mostly though, we just look back on that day and laugh at all the "wedding blunders"- things we missed out on the first time around! I know every wedding has it's blunders- in that way they all are similar- and here are some that made our "special day" similar to every other one...

1) We searched high and low to find both of our baptism certificates (a must have item for a Catholic wedding) Once found ,they were placed in the front pocket of our suitcase for safe keeping. We dropped the suitcase off at the hotel and then drove to the church. And of course- the certificates were perfectly safe locked in the hotel room!

2) Being ever thrifty (ok, I'm cheap) I bought an off white dress from the sale rack after prom season. I tried it on, it fit, it looked ok- so it was *THE* dress. As I was getting dressed at the church though, I realized that the dress, while perfectly suitable under dim lights in a changing room- was a little too transparent in the bright daylight of the church! Thankfully my sister had an extra pair of stockings that they were able to solve the problem!

3) That Guy selected 3 groomsmen- one of them was a best friend from school. We were at Groomsman's house the night before- he was very proud to show us the suit he had all laid out ready for the next day. That day, however, his boss would not let him out of work at the agreed upon time- and he didn't get off work until just a few mintues before the start of the ceremony. He didn't have time to go home and change so he arrived, late, in a plack t-shirt with leopard print around the collar and sleeves. He simply grabbed a flower, pinned it to his shirt, and walked as quickly and quietly as he could to stand in his place.

4) That Guy also had a cousin come in from out of town- who got lost along the way and arrived late. He walked in to the church- noticed That Guy at the alter- stopped to wave and call out "Hey there That Guy!" before he noticed that The Priest, Groomsmen, Bridesmaids, and myself were also at the alter.

5) We had a nice little cake made up, that was not properly packaged and fell over in the box. Thankfully, a friend of my MIL was able to straighten it somewhat- and the icing that she could not repair she covered with flowers- it actually turned out a lot nicer than expected!

I know a lot of people look back on things like this as what went "wrong" on their wedding day but, honestly, we just laughed. It wouldn't have felt "right" if there was nothing like this- it was a fun day all around and kept us on our toes! The wedding party- My two sisters, my good friend, Me, our niece, The Priest, That Guy, our nephew, The Bestman, Groomsman, Best Friend